Technology makes me giddy.

I feel like a giddy school girl right now, but my boyfriend just updated his facebook status. It says: "Lee is going to be tired in the morning..... but, it was worth it."

He had just driven me home right before he updated it. Ha. Sweet.

I feel much better about the whole relationship thing. I mean, I still have no idea what I'm doing or whatever, but I feel a bit more comfortable with it. I like that we're still in the really new stage, where we've only been together a little more than two weeks so things are still new and exciting.

It is, however, taking a toll on my sleeping habits. I keep staying at his place until 12:30 or 1am every night just hanging out or watching tv or whatever, and then I come home and don't fall asleep right away. Like now, it's 1:50 and I'm still not asleep. (I really should go to sleep). But I'm happy with how things are going. For now at least. Ha, always expecting the worst. Oh well. A friend of his from home is coming up this weekend. I hope she likes me. And also that even if she doesn't Lee doesn't just change his mind about me because of her opinion. Ha.

Rehearsals for Bernarda Alba are going well. We've learned all the music, and are now working on blocking and choreography and the like. I'm really enjoying it, and I think the show will come together fabulously. I'm excited to see the finished product, even though we still have over a month.

Ok. I'm off to bed. Thanks for reading.

I'm a girlfriend?

I had definitely planned on writing another post last weekend, but somehow I didn't get around to it.

So. I had a date. And now I have a boyfriend.

It's interesting though, I definitely didn't see this happening this quickly. Also, everyone is telling him not to fuck it up, but what about me? I am perfectly capable of fucking things up just as much as he is, but no one is warning me about it. And I'm probably more likely of messing things up too. I mean, come on, look at my relationship history! I've been the dumpee. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Matt (spring semester of freshman year to nov 5 of sophomore year) - broke up with me for weed. Slash I was getting attention starved. If he had hung out with me more I would have been less attention starved. Eh, bad ending all around.

Albert (two weeks fall semester of freshman year) - he was depressed and didn't want help, so he dumped me. Eh. Not my fault either.

Doron (August 22, 2004-January 14, 2005) - broke up with because I was too depressed. I loved him. God. Ugh. That was an awful breakup. I still can't listen to Les Miserables without thinking of him.

Evan - broke up with me because I didn't like to be touched. Still don't. Oh well.

I haven't had a boyfriend since Matt, and I don't know how to act anymore. I don't know how to be around someone who wants to be around me all the time. He pays for me. He treats me well. He likes talking to me, and hanging out with me, and going out with me...

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm too out of practice. I don't know how to be a girlfriend.

Shit.

I'll tell you more while still pushing you away

So, remember how I told you that I'm really bad at keeping my own secrets? It's true. But now that people who know me in real life know about my blog, I feel like there are some things I can't write about. For instance, I have a date tomorrow night. Which I'm excited about. Or the fact that James and I are becoming close again. Which is awesome. Actually, I can write about James and I becoming close again, but there isn't much to it. M's birthday helped us talk, even though I was ridiculously drunk. Apparently he was as well, but we talked again when we were a tad less drunk, and the same held true. It was nice.

Anyway, since I don't want to talk about my date tomorrow and that's pretty much all that's occupying my mind right now...I'm going to tell you some random facts about me. Yeah.

Some of these could be things I already mentioned, some may be things that I'll expand upon later. Feel free to ask me questions on things you need expansion on. Or other things you want to know. If you care, ha.

I'm a musical theatre major, graduating this year.
I'm 21.
I'm pretty much completely addicted to the internet (yahoomail, facebook, myspace, gmail, twitter, and googlereader are always open in one firefox window, and a tv show hosting site is open in another).
My life is sufficiently awkward, but I tend to make it more awkward by saying something is awkward even when it's not.
I have a lot of favorite movies.
I love to get dressed up.
I like to make collages of pictures and magazine clippings.
I'm pretty shy until you get to know me, and then I'm pretty crazy.
I have a totally random sense of humor.
I love to sing. (Musical theatre? yeah....)
I like to cuddle.
I like lists but half the time I don't finish them because I get distracted by shiny objects.
I love stuffed animals. (I sleep with a stuffed pink pig named Pigglywinks. Pretty awesome.)
I like reading quotes.
I love being part of inside jokes.
I don't particularly care about fashion.
When I was younger, I really liked science.
I love the high school musical movies, even though I know they are ridiculously awful.
When it comes to music, I'll listen to one CD for a really long time, then get sick of it and not listen to it for awhile.
I like spending time with my friends, but being by myself also works for me. Sometimes.
I love to laugh.
I love walking in the rain, especially if I get completely soaked.
I get nervous easily.
I love to read.
I like sugar.
Anyone who can make me smile or laugh is pretty much my hero.
I hate feelings left out.
I want to move back to New York.
My favorite color is purple.
I love being Jewish.
I hate feelings stupid.
I get hurt easily but try not to show it.
I LOVE Disney movies.
Chuck E Cheese is one of my favorite places. My 18th birthday was my best birthday, and I spent it at Chuck E Cheese.
I love mint n chip and chocolate malted crunch ice cream.
I like to ice skate.
If I could live in a bookstore I would totally do it.
I really like Israeli dancing, but it's been awhile since I have been able to.
I would rather go book shopping than clothes shopping.
I'm NEVER sarcastic. Ever.
I used to be in a band with two other redheads called "Twisted Faces".
I'm addicted to text messaging.
I recently found this quote that I feel describes me well: "I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence because of something that happened yesterday."
I love midnight shopping trips.
I like meeting new people even though it freaks me out.
I usually have way too many pillows on my bed.
I ages I act range from 5 to 12 to 16 to 21.
I keep the interesting fortunes from fortune cookies up on my wall. (My favorite: An empty bag does not stand upright.)
I'm a huge fan of pienapple.
I like pretending I'm good at painting.
I learned how to do a cartwheel two summers ago.
I like glitter.
I don't know how I feel about change.
I really like dry yellow cake mix or brownie mix.
I talk in letter form sometimes. (Dear ipod, stop hating me. love, me.)
I use abbreviations sometimes. (Probs, totes, maybs)


That was long. (that's what she said.)

I should probs go to bed now. It's almost 4.
I'll try to put up a real post later. Sorry for the fluff.

party time

I really wish I was still into partying as much as I used to be. Ever since I got back to school, the only thing that there really has been to do is to get drunk or go to a party. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still a fan of drinking occasionally, but I don't want to get ridiculously drunk every time I have some alcohol.

Back in freshman year, we used to have theatre parties at my friend Sean's house all the time. Literally, every Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we would be over there, drinking and hanging out, or drinking to a Disney movie, or drinking and listening to music. I think most of the time that I spent over there I was drunk.

Best drinking game night ever was when we played a drinking game to Hercules. Girls drank every time they said Hades, guys drank every time they said Zeus, everyone drank every time they said "Hercules" or a song started. Talk about getting sloshed quickly! That was fun. I think we tried to watch other movies after that, but everyone was pretty drunk.

This weekend there was a lingerie party at the Normal St House (a house where a group of theatre students live). At first I thought it was going to be really fun because sophomore year it was awesome, everyone was dressed up and we all knew eachother (and also I was 11 Kamikazee shots deep). This year most of the people were dressed up (Mindee and I went shopping at Frederick's on Wednesday to get our outfits - these ones, if you're interested) but there were a TON of people there. Apparently, one of the freshman took it upon herself to invite everyone she's met since she's been here, which was AWESOME. And by awesome I mean the worst thing ever. There was no air in the house, so if you went in there you couldn't breathe. If you were outside, you got eaten by bugs. If you went in the basement you were humped senseless by the hoards of drunk freshman. (Major orgy.) The party was just ridiculous.

I think a lot of the people had fun, but I was ready to leave about five minutes after I got there. There were too many people there that I didn't know for the amount of naked I was. But I stuck it out, hung out with a bunch of people outside (and now have about 8 bug bites to show for it) and tried to be a good sport. I had even taken 3 shots before I left to get in the mood for the party! It just didn't work. Bad news.

Oh well. Maybe I should just figure out how to be a drunkie again. Eh.

Make believe...

Tonight ended up not being so bad after all.

I accidentally left my phone at home, so when he called me I wasn't around to answer it. I got home around 5:30, saw that he had called, and called him back. He didn't pick up the first time, so I waited about ten minutes, then called again.

"Hello?"
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm ok, starved. Are you hungry?"
"I could definitely eat."
"Ok, where shoud we meet?"
"You were supposed to pick an Italian restaurant..."
"Oh, that's right I was. Well, how about we go to Franky's? That's Italian."
"Sure, I've never been there."
"Ok, how about I'll meet you there at 6 and then drive you home?"
"Sure." (I don't think he knows I have a car.)

I walked to the restaurant, and ended up getting there five minutes early. Asked for a table for two, then sat down. Ten minutes later, he showed up.

"Sorry I was five minutes late."
"It's ok."
"Give me a hug."
(I did)

The conversation started out kind of halted, talking about politics (why does he always bring up politics right away? I wish I cared more. I know, I'm a bad American. Boo freaking hoo.), then slowly moving on to other things. He talked about his trip to Los Angeles last spring and how much he hated living there. How he dated a woman who made him feel insignificant and money conscious, and bored. He said that she said that he was the least affectionate person she knew, and he told me that wasn't true, that he's actually a very affectionate person. He continued to talk about her for a good 10 minutes, telling me all the awful things she did and how she kept bringing him to museums. He said he hates museums. (If you'll recall, I do as well.) He said he likes art that moves, like theatre or music. (I was going to question him on this point, because as far as I know the only theatre he likes is Les Miz and West Side Story, but I decided not to.) I told him about my summer in New York, and how many shows I saw. I tried to name them all, but he makes me nervous and I couldn't remember. He told me that he saw August: Osage County, and we talked about that for a little while. He asked if I was single, I told him I was, but not by choice. He asked if I wanted a relationship. I said I would, but it seems kind of pointless since I'm leaving. He asked "wouldn't this be the time to take time for you?" I asked him if he was single. He said "mostly." He said he doesn't have a girlfriend.

He asked me if I was happy.

I tried to explain to him what I felt, but I couldn't find the words to do it. I told him I was "happyish. Maybe." He asked me what that meant. It took me awhile, but I figured out how to word it so that I was ok with it.

"The summer in New York was so good for me..."
"So you were really in your element there."
"...but it stressed me out a lot too."
"Why?"
"It made me realize that this is my last year of college, and I still need so much training to even be close to the same level as all of those amazing people that are out there right now."

Then he told me that I needed to be involved with theatre somehow for the rest of my life. That he could see what passion it ignited in me, and how happy I seemed when I was talking about it. He said that it didn't matter what capacity it was in - "it could be marketing, or box office" - but I needed it in my life in some way, and he could tell what an important part it is of who I am. I agreed with him. Then he told me that I have secret talents. (News to me.) He said sometimes we never turn out to do the things we think we're going to. He never expected to be a teacher. I asked what he thought he was going to be. He said "a trial lawyer." When I asked him why the change, he said "I couldn't get past the fact that I wouldn't be helping many people."

A little while later he told me I looked sad. I made the excuse that it was my face (because most of the time it is!).
"It's not your face, your natural expression is very lovely."
"Uh, ok."
He looked for our server, then said the next part very quickly: "You look hot, are you sure you don't want dessert?" I laughed, and declined.

He got up to pay for our meal, then came back and sat down.
"I take it back, you don't look sad. You look relaxed and debonair."
"I'll take that over sad!"

And then he asked me what I was thinking.
"You know that's one of the hardest questions to answer?"
"I can think of much harder questions. You know, you can always ask me what I'm thinking? You know I'll tell you anything?"
I felt the awkwardness sliding back in, so I asked for his drink of choice.
"I tell you to ask me anything, and that's what you want to know?"
"Yes."

A few minutes later he asked if we could go hang out at my place. I said sure. We came to my apartment, and he wandered around a little bit. He looked at my room (which was only semi-clean) and my pictures, then told me I hadn't sent him any videos in awhile. I must have looked confused, because he said "of you doing stuff...you know...singing?" That calmed me down a bit (a little more than a year ago I sent him a video of me giving my freshman roommate a lapdance...), then told him I would send him some soon.

Then he told me that next time we should start later, and go out to dinner.
I walked him to the door, he hugged me and said goodbye.

Whisper her name...

Talk about an eventful night.


Last night, I had a birthday party for a friend of mine. It was a special birthday party though, definitely not the typical kind. First of all, she doesn't live in northern California. She's in Santa Barbara. Well, really, she's buried there.

My first real week in New York, my friend killed herself.

I remember getting the call. My mom called me at 10am on that Friday morning. I was upset that she had called that early because it was my only day to sleep in, and I wanted to sleep til noon. I didn't pick up, but she didn't leave a message. I called her back right away, asking if it was important. She said it was, but if I was still sleeping I could call her back later. That caught my attention. She was calling to tell me that on Wednesday, M had taken her life.

I hadn't talked to M in a few months, so I didn't really know what was going on in her life, but she had emailed me around Thanksgiving to wish me a happy birthday and to comment on the fact that I was thinking about becoming a Jewish educator. She thought it was so cool that I might be a rabbi or a cantor or a teacher of Judaism. She told me that she was bragging to her boyfriend about it and everything.

God, I miss her.

We were never that close or anything, but our families were in the same group at the temple. Our Havurah (basically a group of families that make up another family) always had events planned, so we hung out a lot. When I was younger, I actually thought she didn't like me. Of course, that's how I feel about a lot of people, but for her it was worse because she was in my Havurah. Anyway, eventually we became a little closer, hanging out when our moms would get together. She was such a tomboy, and I was a girly girl, so our personalities clashed, but one day when it was raining we put bathing suits on (I put the top of mine on backwards) and did a rain dance. There are pictures.

Anyway, last night I had a birthday party for her, and I guess things just hit me harder than I was expecting them to. It also didn't help that I drank a lot. (For those of you who want to know how much I had - an entire bottle of white wine, a triple sec and pomegranate juice, two and a half pina coladas...that's all I can remember. It's possible I had other drinks.) There was a lot of crying, and a lot of text messaging, and a lot of conversations that should have been had while sober. I think the thing that keeps getting me through this is that at least she's not hurting anymore. Silver lining.

Happy birthday, M. I hope you're doing better, wherever you are.