Hello, Lacuna?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is probably one of my favorite movies.

Keeping that in mind, what would you do if you found out you could erase someone? Would you do it? Is there someone who you would just completely erase from your memory forever?

I've thought about this before. In high school, there were a few people who really affected my life and changed the way I thought about a lot of things.

For starters, there was Shaun. Shaun and I met freshman year, in a math class. He was sitting next to a guy named Robby, who my friend liked. I also kind of liked Robby, but decided to let my friend go for him instead, and set my sights on Shaun, even though I had absolutely no interest in him. About two weeks into class, I wrote him a note that said "Hey, I'm going to pretend to like you. Sorry for everything that is about to happen." He responded with a long response of "uh, ok." We also had drama together. The first day of class we had to tell a few things about ourselves, so he started talking about how he liked water. Our teacher asked what kind of water, so he started naming off all sorts of things like rivers, lakes, ponds, etc. The bell was going to ring about a minute into what he was talking about, so I said "just keep rambling, the bell is going to ring soon." So he did, and then he thanked me after class. A few weeks after that, we had become friends. We had a lot of classes together, so we ended up spending most of our time in each other's company. Through spending time with him, I got to know him and other things about him...like the fact that he had a girlfriend. As is often the case, because we had been spending so much time together I actually had started to like him in the "more than friends" kind of way. We spent a lot of time together talking, and during class we'd write notes back and forth (all of which I believe I still have in my closet at my parents house...). We had this great friendship going, but it wasn't going anywhere. We started having a secret code in our notes and making mixed cds for each other, and having really late night conversations on the phone. Eventually he started talking about breaking up with his girlfriend to go out with me. I was excited at this prospect, because I really liked him, but as it turned out...he wasn't going to break up with her. (So the story usually goes.) After I found out that he wasn't serious, we started drifting apart. He started hanging out with other people, and I hung out in the drama room with people that I had made friends with. Halfway through sophomore year he transferred schools to be with his girlfriend. I only saw him once after that, when he came back a year and a half later to pick up his new girlfriend. A junior girl in my drama class. It was weird seeing him after all that time.

I wonder if I would get the guts to be able to erase him from my memory. He was a big part of my life for awhile, and he got me into some great music. It was hard not talking to him though. We were best friends for awhile, and he helped get me through some tough things. We even performed a scene together at a DTASC festival. Sometimes it's nice to have those memories.

Someone that I really wouldn't mind erasing from my mind is the professor. I keep thinking that he's a good guy, that I really like being friends with him, but then I see his ulterior motives and I can't help but wonder what made me attracted to that. Granted, he's Jewish and he's smart, but still. He's an elitist jerk who hates musicals. He came to see Bernarda Alba because I asked him to, but he made me buy the tickets and walk them over to his office instead of buying them himself. He plays piano, but he barely plays requests. He tries to seem nice, but instead ends up sounding sleazy. He IS sleazy. He has been trying for a few years now to get into my pants. When I told him that I had a boyfriend, he said "oh, so I guess that means no chance of that dinner, huh?" Seriously. And because of the cycle that I keep going through (talking to him, not talking to him, talking to him, not talking to him), my brain keeps going on a cycle (stupid, smart, stupid, smart) which really takes a toll on my thoughts. I think that erasing him from my memory would be a smart move. Or if I had never met him...my life probably would have been much easier.

Too bad Lacuna, Inc. doesn't really exist...

Technology makes me giddy.

I feel like a giddy school girl right now, but my boyfriend just updated his facebook status. It says: "Lee is going to be tired in the morning..... but, it was worth it."

He had just driven me home right before he updated it. Ha. Sweet.

I feel much better about the whole relationship thing. I mean, I still have no idea what I'm doing or whatever, but I feel a bit more comfortable with it. I like that we're still in the really new stage, where we've only been together a little more than two weeks so things are still new and exciting.

It is, however, taking a toll on my sleeping habits. I keep staying at his place until 12:30 or 1am every night just hanging out or watching tv or whatever, and then I come home and don't fall asleep right away. Like now, it's 1:50 and I'm still not asleep. (I really should go to sleep). But I'm happy with how things are going. For now at least. Ha, always expecting the worst. Oh well. A friend of his from home is coming up this weekend. I hope she likes me. And also that even if she doesn't Lee doesn't just change his mind about me because of her opinion. Ha.

Rehearsals for Bernarda Alba are going well. We've learned all the music, and are now working on blocking and choreography and the like. I'm really enjoying it, and I think the show will come together fabulously. I'm excited to see the finished product, even though we still have over a month.

Ok. I'm off to bed. Thanks for reading.

I'm a girlfriend?

I had definitely planned on writing another post last weekend, but somehow I didn't get around to it.

So. I had a date. And now I have a boyfriend.

It's interesting though, I definitely didn't see this happening this quickly. Also, everyone is telling him not to fuck it up, but what about me? I am perfectly capable of fucking things up just as much as he is, but no one is warning me about it. And I'm probably more likely of messing things up too. I mean, come on, look at my relationship history! I've been the dumpee. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Matt (spring semester of freshman year to nov 5 of sophomore year) - broke up with me for weed. Slash I was getting attention starved. If he had hung out with me more I would have been less attention starved. Eh, bad ending all around.

Albert (two weeks fall semester of freshman year) - he was depressed and didn't want help, so he dumped me. Eh. Not my fault either.

Doron (August 22, 2004-January 14, 2005) - broke up with because I was too depressed. I loved him. God. Ugh. That was an awful breakup. I still can't listen to Les Miserables without thinking of him.

Evan - broke up with me because I didn't like to be touched. Still don't. Oh well.

I haven't had a boyfriend since Matt, and I don't know how to act anymore. I don't know how to be around someone who wants to be around me all the time. He pays for me. He treats me well. He likes talking to me, and hanging out with me, and going out with me...

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm too out of practice. I don't know how to be a girlfriend.

Shit.

Round and round we go...

So, cast lists went up. I was cast as "Servant" in Bernarda Alba. She gets to sing and she also has lines, and if they do the same character breakdowns as in the script, I get to also play a fiance who sings by themself. So. Sorry about being so emo.


In other news, I accidentally-on-purpose ran into the Professor tonight. I had been hanging out at Stina's eating dinner and watching Hercules with Cindy, Lauren, and Stina. We were eating and drinking and having a good time, and I was kind of tipsy because I hadn't eaten much today, and I sent him a text message. It wasn't anything bad, all it said was "What are you up to on this kind of hot saturday night?" And he sent me one back that just said the name of a bar. Fast forward to a few hours later, Casey (my roommate) and I were going out to the bars to meet up for our friend's 21st birthday, and she said that they were going to this one bar. We walked over there, and the line was huge, so we went to this other bar (neither of which were the one that the Professor said he was at.). We walked in, ordered some drinks, sat down, and there was the Professor, drinking with his other professor friends. One of which is actually my professor this year. Anyway, he hugged me, and we chatted for a little bit. We're having dinner on Tuesday. That sort of came about when I sent out a mass text message talking about how I had gotten cast in the show. He said "congratulations! We should get together sometime soon." And then somehow it came around to us deciding to go out to dinner on Tuesday.

Just to go back a little bit, he was supposed to take me out for my 20th birthday where a lot of things were supposed to happen (which will be two years ago in November), before I left for London for the spring semester, but I ended up not going to London so he ended up not taking me out. Then for my 21st birthday he was going to take me out to get drinks, but that ended up not happening. He spent last spring in LA while he was on Sabbatical, so that kind of kept us apart.

While I was in New York, I sent him a text message (while I was completely sober) asking if we were ever going to have "our night". The night we were supposed to have way back in the day. He answered me asking if I was drunk, and then said yes. So. Maybe this semester it'll happen. Who knows.

Anyway, Tuesday we're having dinner. I'll let you know how that goes.


What am I doing?

Saturday night in the city...

Saturday night I went out with Christina and Vianey and a bunch of other people for Vianey's birthday. It was really fun hanging out with all of them again. I definitely think that this semester is different in terms of how I feel about myself and how other people might perceive me.

One thing that was definitely different was that I went up and talked to someone completely random. He had walked by when I was talking to Christina and I had accidentally hit him in the crotch with my purse (wrong place, wrong time? right place, wrong time? who knows...). I apologized when he turned around, he said he was fine. (I didn't hit him THAT hard.) About an hour later, my group was getting ready to head out and I saw him sitting at a table. I told Vianey that I thought he was cute, and then she tried to get Matt D involved to get me to go talk to him. They were all trying to give me suggestions for things I should say to him, but none of them actually got through a suggestion, I just walked away from them and walked up to him and had this conversation (keep in mind that I was sober, and this was at a bar):

me: Excuse me, are you the one that I hit earlier?
him: yes, that was me.
me: i'm so sorry about that. anyway, my friends and I have a bet going. How old are you?
him: How old do you think I am?
me: No, that kind of defeats the point. Just tell me so I can find out who won.
him: I'm 23. How old are you?
me: I'm 21.
him: that's not bad.
me: (silent, but weird look on my face)
him: i'm sorry , that was a terrible response.
me: yeah, now I feel less bad about hitting you!
him: (he laughed)

Then he proceeded to ask me what we were doing for the rest of the night, but I was going home since I had auditions the next day. He asked for my number, then told me he's new in town, so I told him to call me if he wanted a tour guide. I doubt he'll call, but at least I got up to go talk to him.

Vianey and Matt told me they were proud of me when I came back. Woo.

After auditions, Stina told me that I looked great, all thin and stuff, which I thought was funny because I haven't really lost weight since the last time I saw her. But then I figured out what was different. I'm much more mellow this semester. And I have more confidence.
And that's awesome.