I don't know where the effing pieces go...

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I feel like for the last couple of weeks (or months? maybe?) I've been in a funk 97% percent of the time. And the other 3% I'm sleeping. Maybe that's the problem? I'm only sleeping during three percent of my life. That can't be healthy.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this. It's not like my life is awful or anything. Sure, I have the occasional car or phone problem, and I'm not particularly exhilarated about my job, but at least I have a job. And in this economy, that's something. I know plenty of people who have been looking for jobs for months and still have yet to find one.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much of my life. But again, it's not bad. I have a roof over my head, I'm able to eat, I have a family that loves me, I have a boyfriend and friends who care about me, I have a job, I have clothes to keep me warm, I'm ALIVE...

Then what am I missing? Why do I feel like crying all the time?

Music is what feelings sound like. - Author Unknown

"I had to let you go. I had to say goodbye. No more excuses. No more tears to cry."

"I won't write you a love song 'cause you asked for it. 'Cause you need one. You see?"

"Sing us a song, you're the piano man."

"Maybe it's intuition but some things you just don't question. Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant, and there it goes. I think I've found my best friend."

"And I wonder if I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight."

Music is so personal. You can search through millions of songs and hear exactly what you're going through, or something extremely close that hits home. Or you don't even have to find lyrics that match what you're thinking, but you can hear a melody that strikes a chord in your brain.

But music can also change the mood that you're in. People listen to music when they're trying to get pumped up for an evening out on the town, or when they're going to the gym to get motivated, or to get over a breakup. All the different songs can alter how you're feeling and change what the night will look like. Listening to a few depressing songs before you go out with friends could make the going out part seem less enticing and getting into pj's and eating ice cream a much more appealing option.

I've been sitting in my bed for a few hours now listening to whatever Pandora is sending my way all on the suggestion of the song "Hollywood's Not America" by Ferras. It's been playing Billy Joel, Ben Folds, Death Cab for Cutie, Sara Bareilles...all people that have upbeat songs. And yet, the songs that have been playing have kind of made me feel the need to get into my pajamas and never get out of them. Luckily, I have no real reason to be depressed at the moment, so I'm not actually planning on doing that, but its interesting to see how much a song can influence your brain. Or my brain, anyway.

I really like that though. I like that I can change my mood just by changing my playlist. All I have to do is listen to "Out Tonight" from Rent or "I Will Survive" or "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I feel ready for a night out. I just need to turn up the sound of a few upbeat tunes, and I'm ready to go. At the same time, if I'm looking for a mellow night, I just need to listen to "Begin" by Ben Lee, or some Savage Garden (because...PLEASE, most of their songs are mellow/sad) and I'm content. If I'm sad I can just put on some "What Hurts the Most" by Rascall Flats or "White Horse" by Taylor Swift, or "Leave The Pieces" by the Wreckers (or any country song!) and I can dwell in my sadness for as long as I need to.

Music is so mind stimulating. So...thanks songwriters. Keep it up.

Hello, Lacuna?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is probably one of my favorite movies.

Keeping that in mind, what would you do if you found out you could erase someone? Would you do it? Is there someone who you would just completely erase from your memory forever?

I've thought about this before. In high school, there were a few people who really affected my life and changed the way I thought about a lot of things.

For starters, there was Shaun. Shaun and I met freshman year, in a math class. He was sitting next to a guy named Robby, who my friend liked. I also kind of liked Robby, but decided to let my friend go for him instead, and set my sights on Shaun, even though I had absolutely no interest in him. About two weeks into class, I wrote him a note that said "Hey, I'm going to pretend to like you. Sorry for everything that is about to happen." He responded with a long response of "uh, ok." We also had drama together. The first day of class we had to tell a few things about ourselves, so he started talking about how he liked water. Our teacher asked what kind of water, so he started naming off all sorts of things like rivers, lakes, ponds, etc. The bell was going to ring about a minute into what he was talking about, so I said "just keep rambling, the bell is going to ring soon." So he did, and then he thanked me after class. A few weeks after that, we had become friends. We had a lot of classes together, so we ended up spending most of our time in each other's company. Through spending time with him, I got to know him and other things about him...like the fact that he had a girlfriend. As is often the case, because we had been spending so much time together I actually had started to like him in the "more than friends" kind of way. We spent a lot of time together talking, and during class we'd write notes back and forth (all of which I believe I still have in my closet at my parents house...). We had this great friendship going, but it wasn't going anywhere. We started having a secret code in our notes and making mixed cds for each other, and having really late night conversations on the phone. Eventually he started talking about breaking up with his girlfriend to go out with me. I was excited at this prospect, because I really liked him, but as it turned out...he wasn't going to break up with her. (So the story usually goes.) After I found out that he wasn't serious, we started drifting apart. He started hanging out with other people, and I hung out in the drama room with people that I had made friends with. Halfway through sophomore year he transferred schools to be with his girlfriend. I only saw him once after that, when he came back a year and a half later to pick up his new girlfriend. A junior girl in my drama class. It was weird seeing him after all that time.

I wonder if I would get the guts to be able to erase him from my memory. He was a big part of my life for awhile, and he got me into some great music. It was hard not talking to him though. We were best friends for awhile, and he helped get me through some tough things. We even performed a scene together at a DTASC festival. Sometimes it's nice to have those memories.

Someone that I really wouldn't mind erasing from my mind is the professor. I keep thinking that he's a good guy, that I really like being friends with him, but then I see his ulterior motives and I can't help but wonder what made me attracted to that. Granted, he's Jewish and he's smart, but still. He's an elitist jerk who hates musicals. He came to see Bernarda Alba because I asked him to, but he made me buy the tickets and walk them over to his office instead of buying them himself. He plays piano, but he barely plays requests. He tries to seem nice, but instead ends up sounding sleazy. He IS sleazy. He has been trying for a few years now to get into my pants. When I told him that I had a boyfriend, he said "oh, so I guess that means no chance of that dinner, huh?" Seriously. And because of the cycle that I keep going through (talking to him, not talking to him, talking to him, not talking to him), my brain keeps going on a cycle (stupid, smart, stupid, smart) which really takes a toll on my thoughts. I think that erasing him from my memory would be a smart move. Or if I had never met him...my life probably would have been much easier.

Too bad Lacuna, Inc. doesn't really exist...

die, vampire, die part 2

I feel all sorts of uncomfortable about this second callback that I had. I know, I know, "die, vampire, die" but...I don't know. It's just gnawing at me. I messed up the dancing, I sort of messed up the harmonies...I don't even know if my acting was what he wanted. I was the only person he directed, but I don't know if that was because I was the first one back in the room or because he really wanted me to get it.

He came up to me today and said "You need to leave yourself at home tonight, and bring in some crazy person. I really want to be as fair as possible, but there are other people who are talented. So if you want to get a good part, you need to bring it." I mean, at least he gave me a heads up, but...I don't know.

I feel like this is one of my last chances at school to be a semi-decent part in a musical. Next semester they're doing Crazy For You and I don't think the director for that likes me. Or he doesn't think I can handle it. Or something.

Or maybe I'm just not good enough. I guess the proof is in the pudding. Cast list goes up tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Stupid vampire.

Freak out.

I've been very busy lately. Erik and Beth left on Thursday. I've been hanging out with people from my theatre internship the other nights. It's just been a very full week. So. I haven't posted.

I feel bad when I don't post, because at first I was very enthusiastic, and now I'm not so much. I mean, I still want to get my thoughts out there, but at the same time...I feel like people don't care that much about what I have to say.

Tonight I kind of freaked out, because I couldn't get in to my apartment. This has happened before, but tonight I was a little more scared because my phone was very close to dying. I called my parents after I tried for five minutes to get in to no avail. They kept giving me suggestions, but finally I just started buzzing people hoping SOMEONE would be awake and would buzz me in. Luckily, after buzzing four people someone let me in. They buzzed it for just long enough to let me through the front door. My key doesn't work in the front door for some reason, but it works in the second. Thank goodness it does, otherwise I would still be outside!



In other news, I have a thing for piano players. The professor plays piano. For some reason, I kind of think it doesn't matter what age or sexual orientation you are if you play piano. You could be 32 and gay, and I would still totally have a crush on you if you play piano. But at the same time you could be 40 and straight, and I would have a crush on you too if you had those magic fingers.

I'm not really sure why I like piano so much. I guess it's just soothing or something. It calms me down.

I'm drunk. I don't make sense.

In MORE other news, I just found out that a guy that I kind of thought was cute last Monday is straight, and not gay like most of the interns thought. He told me tonight that I "clean up nice". Sweet. He's cute. Too bad I'm leaving NY two weeks from Monday. Oh well.

This post is stupid. Whatever. I'm going to the beach with my cousin in the morning. Awesome. Goodnight.

Die, Vampires, Die!

I saw [title of show] tonight. Since I didn't have work at the theatre that I normally have work at on Monday nights, I went by myself to get tickets. When I went in, the guy selling tickets told me about the lottery that they have, which had tickets that were the same price as back row in the balcony, but the seats are in the front row. The only catch was that the lottery wasn't for another hour.

When the time finally came to get in line for the lottery, I noticed a girl who had been sitting by herself in Starbucks (which is where I had gone to pass the time). I went up to her and asked if she was seeing the show by herself, and she said yes, so to increase our chances of getting tickets I asked if she would put down two and I could put down two, and she agreed that it was a good idea. Since we still had half an hour to wait for the names to be pulled, we started talking, and it turns out that she had the same major as me, just at a different school. She was in NY for the summer (like me), but taking a 6 week acting class.

Normally I feel like I have a handle on my insecurities, but tonight I feel like I really failed at keeping them in check. I mean, it's probably because most of the time I just try not to think about the fact that there are millions of girls who look like me but are thinner, who sing like me but better or with more control, who act like me but better...who are a better version of me. But when I was there, talking to this girl who was a musical theatre major who still had two years left who was taking acting classes in New York, who had been to 12 or 13 shows and was able to critique them, who already knew that she wanted to go to London next summer to study at the Royal Academy, who had more knowledge than me...I started doubting myself more and more. There is so much I don't know, so much I'm scared of, so many things that I think I'm not good at...Things that I need to improve on or I'll never make it anywhere. As it is there are only a few people who actually make it on Broadway or that are well known - who's to say I'm even going to come CLOSE to that?

When I see shows that have characters that question themselves and eachother, like [title of show] did, it brings up questions in me.

At school, you get out of it what you put in, but if you don't know how to put more in, how can you get everything you need out of it? I'm the kind of person that needs my ass to be kicked so I can learn what I need to know, but I'm scared. I'm scared of so many things...but I don't know how to get over it.

What if I'm never ready to perform on Broadway? What if I'm never good enough? What if...ugh. Damn those stupid "what if" questions.

In [tos] they have a song called "Die, Vampires, Die" which is all about killing off the insecurities and self-doubt. So I'm going to try to do that, but....ugh. It's hard, ya know?