Banana Bread Baking!

So after seeing Super 8 with my friend Jason (great movie, btw) I was in the mood for some good home cookin'. Because in the (whatever decade Super 8 takes place in), they had home cookin'. Of course. SO! I made a plan to bring something in for my coworkers. (I'm such a nice person. HA!) When I got home I noticed I had some bananas that were ripe for some baking! Well, over-ripe. Almost brown. So...perfect! I got my ingredients together, put my pjs on, turned on some tunes, and got to baking. And dancing, of course. Essential for baking.

In the middle of mixing everything up, I got a phone call from my boss. CLOSING THE OFFICE TOMORROW! YAY NO WORK! Great way of starting this holiday weekend, considering my plans for tonight and tomorrow kind of got a little messed up due to lack of traffic and employment opportunities. Damn those good things!

This banana bread is perfect for making you feel comfortable. (Also, being in your pajamas while making it helps.) I've been having some problems lately - work being stressful, boys being dumb, and on top of all that, my phone was acting up! So I decided that this was the perfect thing to make my night better (besides eating ice cream and going to a movie.)

I got the recipe from my friend Ross awhile ago. He had made it and brought it to an improv rehearsal that I so often frequented back in the day, and once I tasted it I knew I needed the recipe. This delicious treat reminds me of Chico friends and good times, which is always something good to remember.

And now, I'm off to watch Mr. And Mrs. Smith and enjoy my delicious peanut butter chocolate chip banana bread! On top of that, I don't even have to share! I guess maybe I shouldn't have passed first grade...

Reset Button

I need a reset button.

I need a reset button for those nights when I get inexplicably angry at the clock for ticking too loud, or the time for passing too slow or too fast, or at my boyfriend for sitting too close to me when he has every right to do so.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel so wound up from comments that people have made that I want to punch something really hard.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel like listening to any sad, slow love song can turn me into a weeping baby as soon as it comes on.

I need a reset button for the times that I get so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but can't because that's too exhausting.

I need a reset button for the times that I drink too much because of something that happened earlier that day or because of my lack of control.

I need a reset button on the friendships that I've lost, papers that I've misplaced, feelings that I've hidden away.

I need a reset button on my sleeping schedule.

I need a reset button for those times when I became so blindingly mad at my parents or my brothers just for saying something that I didn't quite agree with, or not picking up on what I meant quickly enough.

I need a reset button for my emotions.

Wouldn't life be easier if you had a reset button?

Only one day at time...if only...

So, its the new year. We've been in 2009 for six whole days, but I can already feel things changing. The new year always brings new hopes, dreams, desires, fantasies...and fears. When it comes to me, its mostly fears.

I'm always so afraid to look too far in the future, but end up doing it anyway. I try to make plans three months in advance, or even a year in advance, but somehow things always end up changing and I get upset. I'm most terrified of looking too far into this semester, because I'm worried something will end up happening and my life will turn sour.

Things are so good for me right now: I have some really great friends, a boyfriend who loves me, a new semester of fresh classes, and a whole bunch of opportunities that have just opened up to me. But I have this nagging feelings that something awful is just around the corner.

I have reasons for this. Things always change just when I start getting comfortable.

But this year I'm extra nervous for an entirely different reason. I'm graduating. I'm going to be going out into the real world, with real people, and (maybe) getting a job. I'm jumping out of this safety net of college, where meeting people is (supposedly) easy, and you can hardly keep track of the number of parties you go to, and things are readily available to you. Once you're out, who knows if you have the same kind of luxuries?

I went home for Hannukah and New Years, and that was hard. Not only did I realize that I really don't want to move back there, but I had to constantly think about what was coming up next for me. People kept asking what I'm going to do once I get out. "What can you do with a musical theatre degree? Be a waitress?" Or they'd ask what the boyfriend and I are going to do. And I honestly have no idea. Who knows if its even going to last that long?

Ugh, see what I mean? I'm so...pessimistic about the future. I wish I knew how to take life one day at a time. Because there are so many good things too. I still have a good 3 and a half months before I graduate. I still have time to hang out with all the people I've made friends with these past four years (and especially these last few semesters). I still have time to learn so many things. I still have time to find out more about myself while in college. I still have time to pull all nighters for fun.

I still have time to do so much, and yet...the fear still lingers.

Hello, Lacuna?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is probably one of my favorite movies.

Keeping that in mind, what would you do if you found out you could erase someone? Would you do it? Is there someone who you would just completely erase from your memory forever?

I've thought about this before. In high school, there were a few people who really affected my life and changed the way I thought about a lot of things.

For starters, there was Shaun. Shaun and I met freshman year, in a math class. He was sitting next to a guy named Robby, who my friend liked. I also kind of liked Robby, but decided to let my friend go for him instead, and set my sights on Shaun, even though I had absolutely no interest in him. About two weeks into class, I wrote him a note that said "Hey, I'm going to pretend to like you. Sorry for everything that is about to happen." He responded with a long response of "uh, ok." We also had drama together. The first day of class we had to tell a few things about ourselves, so he started talking about how he liked water. Our teacher asked what kind of water, so he started naming off all sorts of things like rivers, lakes, ponds, etc. The bell was going to ring about a minute into what he was talking about, so I said "just keep rambling, the bell is going to ring soon." So he did, and then he thanked me after class. A few weeks after that, we had become friends. We had a lot of classes together, so we ended up spending most of our time in each other's company. Through spending time with him, I got to know him and other things about him...like the fact that he had a girlfriend. As is often the case, because we had been spending so much time together I actually had started to like him in the "more than friends" kind of way. We spent a lot of time together talking, and during class we'd write notes back and forth (all of which I believe I still have in my closet at my parents house...). We had this great friendship going, but it wasn't going anywhere. We started having a secret code in our notes and making mixed cds for each other, and having really late night conversations on the phone. Eventually he started talking about breaking up with his girlfriend to go out with me. I was excited at this prospect, because I really liked him, but as it turned out...he wasn't going to break up with her. (So the story usually goes.) After I found out that he wasn't serious, we started drifting apart. He started hanging out with other people, and I hung out in the drama room with people that I had made friends with. Halfway through sophomore year he transferred schools to be with his girlfriend. I only saw him once after that, when he came back a year and a half later to pick up his new girlfriend. A junior girl in my drama class. It was weird seeing him after all that time.

I wonder if I would get the guts to be able to erase him from my memory. He was a big part of my life for awhile, and he got me into some great music. It was hard not talking to him though. We were best friends for awhile, and he helped get me through some tough things. We even performed a scene together at a DTASC festival. Sometimes it's nice to have those memories.

Someone that I really wouldn't mind erasing from my mind is the professor. I keep thinking that he's a good guy, that I really like being friends with him, but then I see his ulterior motives and I can't help but wonder what made me attracted to that. Granted, he's Jewish and he's smart, but still. He's an elitist jerk who hates musicals. He came to see Bernarda Alba because I asked him to, but he made me buy the tickets and walk them over to his office instead of buying them himself. He plays piano, but he barely plays requests. He tries to seem nice, but instead ends up sounding sleazy. He IS sleazy. He has been trying for a few years now to get into my pants. When I told him that I had a boyfriend, he said "oh, so I guess that means no chance of that dinner, huh?" Seriously. And because of the cycle that I keep going through (talking to him, not talking to him, talking to him, not talking to him), my brain keeps going on a cycle (stupid, smart, stupid, smart) which really takes a toll on my thoughts. I think that erasing him from my memory would be a smart move. Or if I had never met him...my life probably would have been much easier.

Too bad Lacuna, Inc. doesn't really exist...

awesomeness coming up next...

A lot of exciting things are coming up pretty soon. First off, we have Bernarda Alba, which opens on Wednesday. It seems to be coming together really well, which is awesome. We finally got our costumes today, which look really cool under all the lights and everything. The whole show seems like it's going to be really great. It'll be interesting to hear what people think about the show after they see it.

Coming up after that is my birthday! My birthday party is also going to be really fun, I hope. I themed it "childhood". I hope that it ends up being fun, and not crazy/ridiculous. There have only been a few birthdays that I've really enjoyed. I hope this year ends up being one of those.

After my birthday is thanksgiving, which will be pretty sweet. My family is having a pseudo reunion in Oakland. Well, my mom's side of the family is having one. I'm excited because there are going to be a lot of family members there that I haven't seen in awhile. It'll be super fun. And Joel (my favorite boy cousin) told me that he's going to take me out to celebrate my birthday, which will be really fun. He's a bartender, so he'll be able to pick some really tasty drinks for me.

In other news, things with the boyfriend are going well. It'll be two months on Friday. Exciting, yes? Yes. He's going to be meeting my family this weekend when they come up for the show. It's cute, he's really nervous about meeting them. I think he'll be fine though, my family isn't that scary. Sometimes they're mean (to me), but other than that, he'll be ok. I think a few of my other friends will be coming to brunch with my family too, so hopefully he'll be less nervous.

Ok...I think that's about it right now.

Foreshadowing for next post: what would you do if you could erase someone from your memory/life?

party time

I really wish I was still into partying as much as I used to be. Ever since I got back to school, the only thing that there really has been to do is to get drunk or go to a party. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still a fan of drinking occasionally, but I don't want to get ridiculously drunk every time I have some alcohol.

Back in freshman year, we used to have theatre parties at my friend Sean's house all the time. Literally, every Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we would be over there, drinking and hanging out, or drinking to a Disney movie, or drinking and listening to music. I think most of the time that I spent over there I was drunk.

Best drinking game night ever was when we played a drinking game to Hercules. Girls drank every time they said Hades, guys drank every time they said Zeus, everyone drank every time they said "Hercules" or a song started. Talk about getting sloshed quickly! That was fun. I think we tried to watch other movies after that, but everyone was pretty drunk.

This weekend there was a lingerie party at the Normal St House (a house where a group of theatre students live). At first I thought it was going to be really fun because sophomore year it was awesome, everyone was dressed up and we all knew eachother (and also I was 11 Kamikazee shots deep). This year most of the people were dressed up (Mindee and I went shopping at Frederick's on Wednesday to get our outfits - these ones, if you're interested) but there were a TON of people there. Apparently, one of the freshman took it upon herself to invite everyone she's met since she's been here, which was AWESOME. And by awesome I mean the worst thing ever. There was no air in the house, so if you went in there you couldn't breathe. If you were outside, you got eaten by bugs. If you went in the basement you were humped senseless by the hoards of drunk freshman. (Major orgy.) The party was just ridiculous.

I think a lot of the people had fun, but I was ready to leave about five minutes after I got there. There were too many people there that I didn't know for the amount of naked I was. But I stuck it out, hung out with a bunch of people outside (and now have about 8 bug bites to show for it) and tried to be a good sport. I had even taken 3 shots before I left to get in the mood for the party! It just didn't work. Bad news.

Oh well. Maybe I should just figure out how to be a drunkie again. Eh.

Whisper her name...

Talk about an eventful night.


Last night, I had a birthday party for a friend of mine. It was a special birthday party though, definitely not the typical kind. First of all, she doesn't live in northern California. She's in Santa Barbara. Well, really, she's buried there.

My first real week in New York, my friend killed herself.

I remember getting the call. My mom called me at 10am on that Friday morning. I was upset that she had called that early because it was my only day to sleep in, and I wanted to sleep til noon. I didn't pick up, but she didn't leave a message. I called her back right away, asking if it was important. She said it was, but if I was still sleeping I could call her back later. That caught my attention. She was calling to tell me that on Wednesday, M had taken her life.

I hadn't talked to M in a few months, so I didn't really know what was going on in her life, but she had emailed me around Thanksgiving to wish me a happy birthday and to comment on the fact that I was thinking about becoming a Jewish educator. She thought it was so cool that I might be a rabbi or a cantor or a teacher of Judaism. She told me that she was bragging to her boyfriend about it and everything.

God, I miss her.

We were never that close or anything, but our families were in the same group at the temple. Our Havurah (basically a group of families that make up another family) always had events planned, so we hung out a lot. When I was younger, I actually thought she didn't like me. Of course, that's how I feel about a lot of people, but for her it was worse because she was in my Havurah. Anyway, eventually we became a little closer, hanging out when our moms would get together. She was such a tomboy, and I was a girly girl, so our personalities clashed, but one day when it was raining we put bathing suits on (I put the top of mine on backwards) and did a rain dance. There are pictures.

Anyway, last night I had a birthday party for her, and I guess things just hit me harder than I was expecting them to. It also didn't help that I drank a lot. (For those of you who want to know how much I had - an entire bottle of white wine, a triple sec and pomegranate juice, two and a half pina coladas...that's all I can remember. It's possible I had other drinks.) There was a lot of crying, and a lot of text messaging, and a lot of conversations that should have been had while sober. I think the thing that keeps getting me through this is that at least she's not hurting anymore. Silver lining.

Happy birthday, M. I hope you're doing better, wherever you are.

Saturday night in the city...

Saturday night I went out with Christina and Vianey and a bunch of other people for Vianey's birthday. It was really fun hanging out with all of them again. I definitely think that this semester is different in terms of how I feel about myself and how other people might perceive me.

One thing that was definitely different was that I went up and talked to someone completely random. He had walked by when I was talking to Christina and I had accidentally hit him in the crotch with my purse (wrong place, wrong time? right place, wrong time? who knows...). I apologized when he turned around, he said he was fine. (I didn't hit him THAT hard.) About an hour later, my group was getting ready to head out and I saw him sitting at a table. I told Vianey that I thought he was cute, and then she tried to get Matt D involved to get me to go talk to him. They were all trying to give me suggestions for things I should say to him, but none of them actually got through a suggestion, I just walked away from them and walked up to him and had this conversation (keep in mind that I was sober, and this was at a bar):

me: Excuse me, are you the one that I hit earlier?
him: yes, that was me.
me: i'm so sorry about that. anyway, my friends and I have a bet going. How old are you?
him: How old do you think I am?
me: No, that kind of defeats the point. Just tell me so I can find out who won.
him: I'm 23. How old are you?
me: I'm 21.
him: that's not bad.
me: (silent, but weird look on my face)
him: i'm sorry , that was a terrible response.
me: yeah, now I feel less bad about hitting you!
him: (he laughed)

Then he proceeded to ask me what we were doing for the rest of the night, but I was going home since I had auditions the next day. He asked for my number, then told me he's new in town, so I told him to call me if he wanted a tour guide. I doubt he'll call, but at least I got up to go talk to him.

Vianey and Matt told me they were proud of me when I came back. Woo.

After auditions, Stina told me that I looked great, all thin and stuff, which I thought was funny because I haven't really lost weight since the last time I saw her. But then I figured out what was different. I'm much more mellow this semester. And I have more confidence.
And that's awesome.

Here we go again...

So, I leave for school in the morning. My second home. Or temporary home?

Last semester, it felt less like a home, and more like a place where I was just passing time. People I thought were my friends phased me out of their lives, and the people I became friends with to make up for it aren't going to be there this semester.

Things are going to be different this year, and I have to admit that I'm worried about it. I'm scared that my senior year is going to suck, which would give me some sort of character development, but at the same time I'd really like it to not suck. I'd like to go through this year actually enjoying my classes, and having friends that I can hang out with all the time. I'd like to not spend all my time at home watching tv via the internet or reading.

I'd like to spend time at the park nearby painting. I'd like to take a lot of pictures, but live IN the moment too. I'd like to actually remember nights with friends, and develop new inside jokes that every time I think about them I'll smile. I'd like to spend time drinking chai tea and having conversations that make me feel less like I'm in a lecture, and more like I'm learning something. I'd like to expand my mind.

It's my last year in college. I've had a semi-memorable first three years, how about finishing my college career off like that?

Leaving on a jet plane...

So, Monday morning at 6:30am I leave the big city of New York and fly back home to Los Angeles. I'm excited to go home, but I'm really sad, too.

I'm excited because I miss sleeping in my own bed with my own things surrounding me. I have tons of pictures of family and friends up on my walls, books on my bookshelves...And my bed is supercomfortable! (Especially in comparison to the chair I've been sleeping in since the 13th...not that I'm complaining...thanks Rachel!) Plus it'll be great to spend a little time with my family for a few days before heading back up to school on the 22nd.

And I'm actually excited about going back to school, too! I feel like this semester is really going to be good for me. I'm planning on working hard, and being prepared for all of my classes...of course, I say this before every semester starts and the usual pattern occurs: I'm really enthusiastic for the first two weeks, and then I put the homework off a night thinking "it's ok, I still have tomorrow to do it," which then turns into me making a list halfway through the semester of all the reading I still need to do. (Last semester I had over 200 pages for 2 classes that I never ended up reading. Did decently well in the classes though, so that's good-ish.) But this time I'm planning on doing it right, staying enthusiastic the whole time. I got to choose what classes I wanted to take this semester, they just mostly had to be upperdivision. (Nevermind that two of the classes I REALLY wanted to take were cancelled after I had enrolled in them...stupid budget cuts.)

Not only that, but I miss my friends. I feel like I always make some good friends towards the end of the spring semester, right before summer break, soI have people to go back and talk to. Plus, I have a new roommate, so it'll be interesting getting to know her. My other roommate is still there too, and he's newly 21, so it'll be fun going to bars with him and the rest of whatever crew we manage to scrape together.

On the flip side, I really am going to miss New York. Taking subways to get wherever you need to go, being able to go to a different show every night, seeing all the strange people...it's SO different from what I'm used to.

And I'm really going to miss the friends that I've made here. Because it was such a short time, a few of us got really close really fast, making things so much more enjoyable. I'm really going to miss Laura's brilliant comebacks ("It's people like you......who make the world............stupid."), and Emma's twinlike Baby Spice looks, and Rachel's....well, everything. I can't even pinpoint one thing. It's just going to be so different going back to school and not having the three of them (or even just one of them) with me all the time. They are the ones I spent the most time with while I was here. What's going to happen when we are all separated?

I wish I was better at keeping in touch with people, because then I would be less worried about the state of our friendship once we all go to our respective places of residence.

But for now, I still have the weekend, and I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

Thanks New York. I owe ya one.

I could go for a McFlurry right about now...

I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. And when I say a lot, I mean I started the first season last Wednesday at work, and am now almost done with the second season. Kind of ridiculous.

Second semester of freshman year there was a whole group of us that watched Grey's in my room. The group consisted of Matt F (my then boyfriend), Matt D (Matt F's roommate), Vianey (my then roommate), and Christina (a girl from down the hall who Vianey had made friends with and in turn I made friends with). We used to crowd around the tiny tv set that Vianey had brought with her to watch the season 1 DVDs and the second half of season 2. Those were good times. We used to watch episodes, then talk about how we would all be friends for a really long time. When all of us were sitting together in that room, you could feel the bond that we shared. I think that people who walked in could even feel it. They just knew. But times change, people change, I talked about this already. Eh. Moving on.

Thinking about those times makes me really miss the closeness of good friends though. And having someone to like/love. I mean, in the more recent days of my New York life, I've made some really great friends. But it's been a long time since I've had a boyfriend. Or a crush on a real person. (Not that the guys I've had crushes on recently aren't "real people," it was just never realistic to like them. Religious differences and all that jazz.)

What I really miss is liking someone. Or having someone like me. Someone that I can really talk to, really be myself. Someone who will understand that I like to dance to the Spice Girls, or watch High School Musical, or that I get distracted by glitter. And who won't just say "aw, you're so cute," or just laugh at me when I'm being self-conscious. Someone who won't judge me for staying up until 4 in the morning because I was reading and couldn't put a book down, but will be able to say "yeah, I've done that. I love when that happens." Someone that will be my best friend, but also my teddy bear. When Beth and Erik were here, I felt like I was able to be myself. Yeah, I even spun around the subway pole at 3am and they supported me, they didn't care that I was acting like an idiot. When I used to go to camp with Rachel and Sunny, I'd get superhyper, and they loved every minute of it. They got hyper with me. I need more people like that in my life, not people who will put me down because of what I like or what I think.

I guess I keep coming back to needing more supportive friends. I think it's more than that though. I'm lonely. I'm tired of not scrolling through my contacts list on my phone and not having anyone to call to tell about something stupid that I saw while walking down the street. I'm tired of spending nights by myself. I'm tired of not hugging people. I'm tired of being alone.

I know that you aren't supposed to look for love, or it'll come when you least expect it, or whatever, but...it's difficult! Ha, like I have to tell more than half the world. We all know it.

Well, I guess it's back to more Grey's Anatomy. I wish I had a McFlurry to eat while watching McDreamy and McSteamy...

Freak out.

I've been very busy lately. Erik and Beth left on Thursday. I've been hanging out with people from my theatre internship the other nights. It's just been a very full week. So. I haven't posted.

I feel bad when I don't post, because at first I was very enthusiastic, and now I'm not so much. I mean, I still want to get my thoughts out there, but at the same time...I feel like people don't care that much about what I have to say.

Tonight I kind of freaked out, because I couldn't get in to my apartment. This has happened before, but tonight I was a little more scared because my phone was very close to dying. I called my parents after I tried for five minutes to get in to no avail. They kept giving me suggestions, but finally I just started buzzing people hoping SOMEONE would be awake and would buzz me in. Luckily, after buzzing four people someone let me in. They buzzed it for just long enough to let me through the front door. My key doesn't work in the front door for some reason, but it works in the second. Thank goodness it does, otherwise I would still be outside!



In other news, I have a thing for piano players. The professor plays piano. For some reason, I kind of think it doesn't matter what age or sexual orientation you are if you play piano. You could be 32 and gay, and I would still totally have a crush on you if you play piano. But at the same time you could be 40 and straight, and I would have a crush on you too if you had those magic fingers.

I'm not really sure why I like piano so much. I guess it's just soothing or something. It calms me down.

I'm drunk. I don't make sense.

In MORE other news, I just found out that a guy that I kind of thought was cute last Monday is straight, and not gay like most of the interns thought. He told me tonight that I "clean up nice". Sweet. He's cute. Too bad I'm leaving NY two weeks from Monday. Oh well.

This post is stupid. Whatever. I'm going to the beach with my cousin in the morning. Awesome. Goodnight.

So tired.

I am so so so tired. Last night I went to bed at 1:30, but woke up around 2:30 with an awful stomachache. Awful. And I couldn't take a tylenol pm by that point because last time I did that at 2:30 I slept til noon, even though I had to work. So I was forced to suffer through it. I couldn't fall back asleep at all. It was ridiculous. I kind of felt like opening my brother's window and tossing myself into the park. Less pain.

Anyway, Beth and Erik are staying with me now until they leave tomorrow. I think the plan tonight is to go to the Wonderful World of Disney, then to Spotlight and get completely trashed and sing like we're amazing. Which we are! Musical theatre people can sing, so...there's that. I'm not conceited, I swear. No really. Erik is a little, but we love him anyway.

I can't believe this is my last week at one of my two internships. That means that I'm not here for very much longer. I leave on the 18th, and it's the 30th now. Wow. That's so soon! I can't believe how fast the time flew while I was here.

I feel like I've gotten a lot of what I wanted to done since I've been here, so that's good. I wish I wasn't as apathetic towards museums and stuff though, because if people ask me if I went there, I have to say no. And then they give me this look like "you are so uncultured. What a loser!" and there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm not uncultured, I just don't really care for museums. I like hands on whatnot. So like...the California Science Center is cool. (I went to prom there my junior year with my friend Chris, and it was AWESOME.) But I'd rather be actually doing something than trying to figure out what some artist's brush strokes were trying to convey. I like pictures. Yeah. But anyway, I've seen a bunch of shows, which I've wanted to see. I've stayed up til 6am with friends, and gone to a few parties, gone to the Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty, hung out at a few bars, met a lot of people...done a lot of stuff.

I feel like this trip has given me a lot of insight into myself too, but I'll save that for later, after I actually leave NY. Then I can truly reflect.

I wrote some more lyrics two nights ago. I don't know if I've mentioned that I write songs. I've written two songs so far. Woo. I want to learn how to play guitar. That'd be cool. Or piano. Then I could accompany myself! But I don't know how to play either. Sad day.

Ok, this post is stupid enough, so I'm going to get back to work. Slash looking at other people's blogs.

But before I go....any suggestions for things I should in my last two weeks in New York???

Fortune cookies tell awesome fortunes

Last night, Beth and I were having a girls night (leaving Erik to his own devices) and decided to order Chinese food. As we were watching High School Musical: Get in the Picture, our food arrived, which we dug in to quite quickly. After we were done eating, we opened our fortunes. I don't remember what hers said (last night was a long time ago, give me a break!), but mine was quite profound. Mine said:

"You don't have to change friends if you understand that friends change."

Wow, right?

It definitely makes me reflect on stuff that has happened in the past few years with people who I was/am friends with.

My 20th and 21st birthday years have both been so different. As I've said before, a few weeks before I turned 20 I stopped drinking, then when I turned 21, I started again. A lot of things happened right after I turned 21. At my birthday party, (which I had planned for myself because I wanted to celebrate with my friends, but ended up being sick with a cold during after I got back from my vegas birthday trip...more on that later) I was forced to drink by my friends, EVEN THOUGH I was not feeling well. Ok, maybe not forced, but I felt like if I was having this party so that people could drink with me to celebrate my "return to the drinking world," I should be drinking. So I did, and that was fun, and my friends were fans of the fact that I could drink again (as one of my rudest friends said when I had stopped: "I liked it better when you were drinking").

But things weren't all fine and dandy for long.

Things that led to the demise of my friendships with people I thought were my friends:
-I went on a cruise in December with my family, where I had a cruisefling with the pianist on the ship. My friends didn't like that I talked a lot about it when I came back.

-I started going out to the bars, mainly with Michelle, who was 24. My friends didn't like that I was hanging out with other people or that I was "drinking all the time to get drunk".

-I text message a lot. Most of the time when we were hanging out it was late at night, and that was the only time my cousin could text me. So, I ended up texting him a lot while my friends and I were hanging out. Not such a good idea.

-My face's natural expression is not happy. So a lot of the time I don't look like I'm having a good time. It's annoying, but I'm not going to smile 24/7 just to make YOU happy. I'll smile if I want to.

-My ability to pick the WRONG people to like.

Over winter break, my friends and I grew apart due to all these things above, not to mention that I was co-stage managing a show at a community theater that had rehearsal pretty much every night.

When spring semester started, I thought we would be going back to normal patterns of hanging out, but it didn't happen. A party that was supposed to be at my place was moved to a neighbor's place - no one told me about the change until most people had gone home. I heard about movie events, parties, game nights after the fact. I couldn't believe it: I was being phased out. I went to one of my friends of the group that I had helped bring together to find out what was happening, and she told me all of those things above had contributed, plus a few others.

Another girl from the group asked me if I still wanted to be friends with them. I couldn't believe she had asked me that. Of course I wanted to be friends with them. I didn't have many other people to hang out with since I had been hanging out with them almost EVERY NIGHT for a year and a half. Just because I was going out to the bars with people who were of age (which most of them were not) did NOT mean I didn't want to hang out with them!

But I had changed. They had changed their views. They didn't like that I was drinking all the time (which, for the record, I wasn't.). Wait, what? Yeah. Now that I was drinking again, they didn't like it. How does that make sense? Oh, right. It doesn't.

Basically, I can't go into this anymore. It's a sucky feeling. But essentially, the fortune is true.

To quote Rockapella: People change. Everyday.
(I thought there were more words to that song that fit this situation, but I guess not. Oh well!)
People change, and when they don't change together it makes it difficult. So how to fix that?

Anyway, I guess the point of this is that the fortune cookie fortune was something good to remember. You don't have to change friends if you understand that friends change.

It happens.

Oh my god, oh my god you guys

This week has been a week full of shows, which I have to say is pretty awesome.
Monday was [title of show]. Wednesday was August: Osage County. And tonight was Boeing, Boeing (which was awesome. I got to meet Christine Baranski and Bradley Whitford and the rest of the cast. And the show was hilarious. Physical comedy at it's finest! More on the shows later though).

Later today (Saturday) I'll be seeing Legally Blonde the musical. With Bailey Hanks. Woo, how exciting.

This week has taken a lot out of me though. I keep going to bed really late (like tonight) and then my sleep schedule gets all screwy.

But I finally got my laundry taken in today! So that was a big girl move.

I'm not a fan of talking on the phone (even to people I LIKE talking to), so this was a big deal. I called the laundry people, then told them my information, and they came to pick up my laundry! And then I realized that they only had my clothes and my card number and my address, yet no phone number or name. They could have stolen my clothes! I mean, I guess not really. But whatever. Anyway, they picked up my clothes and now they have all my information, and I'm going to have them deliver it tomorrow. Since I was out getting tickets for Boeing, Boeing when they told me it was finally done tonight.

I'm sorry these posts have gotten a tad mundane. I'll be more interesting soon, I promise...

It's been really cool having Erik here after all. He brought his friend Beth with him who is really really nice. She actually knows a lot of the same people that I know, which is cool. It means we get to talk about people. Plus, we get along really well so we've been ragging on Erik the whole time. It's really fun. And he just takes the abuse! We keep telling him to fight back because then it would be witty banter, but he just refuses. It's fun. But more on the two of them later. I have to go to bed so I can be up early to get my laundry back and go see Legally Blonde!

Goodnight!

Too many thoughts are running through this head of mine

I've started and deleted four entries in the past 20 minutes. None of them seemed interesting enough, so I'll just summarize them all here:

1. Last night I was terrified that someone broke into my brother's apartment somehow because I heard a loud bang in the living room. However, when I went to check (which I HAD to because my cousin made me) nothing was out of place...fricken weird.

2. My friend Erik (from the same theatre group as The Director) is in town and we're going to see August: Osage County tonight! I'm excited. I hope he doesn't get all flirty and weird like he normally does. But, since that's how he normally acts...He probably will. I'm excited to see him though, it's been a long time.

3. In Jane Green's novel, Swapping Lives, married men and women seem to not have opposite sex relationships with non-married men and women. I'm not married, so I don't know.
But it kind of seems true. I don't think either of my parents have relationships with non-married couples, nor would they go to lunch with one of their friend's opposite counterparts. I'm not quite sure though. Hmmmmmmm. Questions, questions.

4. I've recently discovered Pandora.com and I LOVE it. I typed in Ferras and now I get to listen to all sorts of awesome people like Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Ben Folds, The Afters, The Weepies, etc etc etc. AWESOME!


and now I'm off to see August: Osage County!

What's inside is just a lie...

I bought the Passing Strange soundtrack yesterday. That show is amazing, it's really too bad that it's closing on Sunday. I would willingly see it at least once a week for the rest of my life if I could. Well, maybe not that much, but it's amazing. I highly recommend you check it out.

I love the nights when I stay out until 5 or 6am. The world is so...quiet then. Or something. I don't know.

Last night I saw Dark Knight, and I thought it was fantastic. I don't remember much of the first one, but last night...the movie was really great. Heath Ledger was fantastic. I stopped paying attention to the fact that he was Heath Ledger and just thought of him as the joker, which was really creepy. The whole thing was...just...yeah.

Daniel (my older brother) is leaving for Israel on Sunday. I hope he has a great time. I went to Israel my freshman year of college and then again over winter break. Both experiences were really different, but they were both fantastic trips.

My mind is sort of all over the place right now, so I think I'm just going to keep listening to my Passing Strange soundtrack.

"Only love is real." - Passing Strange

"Red!... Purple!...Grey! Marco?...Guys?"

I was running an errand to Staples today when I passed a store selling rafts for the pool. And it brought me back...

Remember the days when you would be in the pool for hours with friends, playing "colors" or "Marco Polo" or "mermaid" or whatever? It's been such a long time since I've gone swimming in a pool just for fun, or with friends. Or been in a pool in general. I used to go swimming all the time in elementary school and middle school during the summer because I would be at camp, where the main activity was being in the pool.

I always loved swimming. The whole idea of it was so fun. I used to play "colors" with my friend Aly all the time. She was a girl that I had known since we were about 3, when her family moved in around the corner. Her brother, who is the same age as my older brother, used to ride around the block on his bike and saw my family, and so Adam (her brother) became friends with Daniel (my brother) and then so I wouldn't bother them while they'd play, he brought Aly over. (Lewis kind of got screwed out of that deal since Aly and Adam were part of a two-child family.) Aly and I would play all sorts of games, and make up all sorts of stories, and our families got very close...

As we got older we were allowed to go swimming in the pool for longer periods of time, and we would play "Colors". And we always cheated at it. The person on the diving board would name off colors, and we would always make sure to wait as long as we possibly could to get to our color. My colors, which I would always pick at the very beginning to be pink and purple, would somehow change to silver or turquoise or orange or whatever color she hadn't called. Our colors would always change so that the person who was calling the colors would have to stay out of the pool. Eventually the caller would just jump in and tag someone else anyway, and the game would continue.

But that game was so fun! I wish I could play "Colors" again. I have no pool right now though. I should find one. Because that'd be awesome.

I just don't know.

I feel like some days I'm a better friend than others.

About a month ago, something tragic happened within my non-blood related family. Because of it, I started talking to a girl that I hadn't willingly talked to in about 4 years. Our families are still close, but the two of us had drifted apart because of some unfortunate incidents back in high school.

The tragedy last month was not the only thing that had happened that was bad between the time our friendship disintegrated and now. My mom had told me stories about what was going on in her life, and most of it were things that you would not want to hear. To me, it didn't matter. She was someone distant, someone that I didn't particularly care about anymore. I stayed silent. I never called her, or talked to her, or felt it necessary to reconnect. She had hurt me, I had (maybe) hurt her, I didn't want her back in my life.

But when this happened last month, I felt that I had to do something. I was going to call her, but I couldn't dial the phone. I didn't know how to approach her. A few days passed, and I still hadn't called her or sent her an e-mail, not even a text. I kept meaning to, but I put it off and didn't know how to go about doing it the right way.

The next weekend, I went out to a bar with a friend and got drunk. At 4am, I got a text message from the girl that I kept meaning to talk to. All it said was "Hi." And that's all it took. The next day, I saw her online on facebook, and talked to her for a little bit. I didn't know how to help her, so I asked, and she told me that talking to her was good enough. She just needed someone to talk to. We talked for a little bit that night, sharing stories and memories, just for a little while. I was glad that I was able to help her.

A few nights ago, I saw her online again, and sent her an IM, checking to make sure she was ok. She said that really meant a lot to her.

I don't know what to make of this whole situation. I'm still not sure if I want to have her as someone who is a staple in my life because of our history, but at the same time...we have such a history...


I just don't know.

High School Musical 3

Ok, I just saw this preview and I am SO EXCITED. I'm also an eight year old. Whatever. I'm totally going to the midnight showing.





I know it's awful, but I just love it so much. I can't help it. I watched the second one when it premiered on tv with a bunch of my friends and it was awesome. Eek! I'm so excited.


That's all I have to say for right now. Not enough words in my vocabulary to express my excitement, so I'll go away for now.