If you don't get it, it's ok. Neither do I.

I feel like life is just a game of chance. Rolling the dice. If I get an even number, I'll move to New York. If I get an odd number, I'll move to San Diego. If it's doubles I'll move to Chicago. Snake eyes and I'll kill myself.

And you never know if you make the right decision, which is what kills me! You can think about something over and over and over and then you finally make the decision to do it, and after it's done, you start thinking of all the things you hadn't thought about before you made the decision. So your decision wasn't really justified because you hadn't thought of ALL the options. And then, once you think you've thought of all the options, you start questioning if you've really thought of all the options because you hadn't thought about all of them before...and the cycle goes on and on.

It's like that alternate universe theory. Like in Sliding Doors, the movie with Gwenyth Paltrow. Her whole life changes just because she did or did not get on the subway at the right time. What happens if you change the decision you think you've made because of other things you've thought of?

I wish I could say that I was on some sort of mind-altering substance to make this post make more sense in the nonsensical way.

In other news, I want to see Alice and Wonderland this weekend.

Reset Button

I need a reset button.

I need a reset button for those nights when I get inexplicably angry at the clock for ticking too loud, or the time for passing too slow or too fast, or at my boyfriend for sitting too close to me when he has every right to do so.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel so wound up from comments that people have made that I want to punch something really hard.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel like listening to any sad, slow love song can turn me into a weeping baby as soon as it comes on.

I need a reset button for the times that I get so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but can't because that's too exhausting.

I need a reset button for the times that I drink too much because of something that happened earlier that day or because of my lack of control.

I need a reset button on the friendships that I've lost, papers that I've misplaced, feelings that I've hidden away.

I need a reset button on my sleeping schedule.

I need a reset button for those times when I became so blindingly mad at my parents or my brothers just for saying something that I didn't quite agree with, or not picking up on what I meant quickly enough.

I need a reset button for my emotions.

Wouldn't life be easier if you had a reset button?

In the spirit of the holidays...

So many people are in need of some extra love this holiday season. I have a few friends who have had some problems with family medical problems and self medical problems...I'm not one to pray, but I am definitely keeping all these people in my thoughts and wishing them well. I hope you'll do the same.

____________________________________________

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Family time...

I've been feeling a lot better about stuff recently. I think the trip to Reno really helped (did I mention I went on a spur of the moment trip to Reno a few weekends ago? No? Oh. Well, I did. It was awesome), even though right when I got back it didn't feel like it. Even though I lost a bunch of money, I still had an amazing time.

And I've been cooking! Well, baking. And cooking. Kind of. I learned how to make ravioli from a bag (purchased at costco, good for many meals!), as well as pumpkin spice white chocolate chip cookies. And tonight, I helped my mom make cranberry sauce. That was exciting.

It's my mom's first time making Thanksgiving dinner, so I offered to help...not just because she will need help (which I'm not sure if she actually will or not, but whatever) but because I'll get to learn how to make a bunch of stuff that I've never made before. Even though I'm making mashed potatoes and pumpkin spice white chocolate chip cookies. Which I've made. Anyway. Plus, it'll be bonding time. And my mom and I haven't really had cooking time together before.

Also, I made it to 23! My birthday was on Saturday, and that was fun. I went out to dinner with a couple friends, then went out to the bars. I didn't get too crazy (I only had 2 drinks the whole night!) but it was an enjoyable evening. And the people who were there all meshed well, which was nice. You always have to worry about that sort of thing when planning a gathering, I suppose. So I'm glad that the people who showed up were all meshable. (I don't care that meshable isn't a word. I'm using it.)

I'm excited for Thanksgiving though. I've gotta say, I never thought I'd be super excited about coming home, but this time I really was. I guess because I haven't really spent time with my sort of whole family since August when I had my surgery (is that right? August? Saw Mom in Vegas at the beginning of October, saw Daniel in New York in the middle of October...yep, August it was) so this will be nice.

Plus, I've already gotten two new pairs of jeans, so that's always something to look forward to!

I don't know where the effing pieces go...

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I feel like for the last couple of weeks (or months? maybe?) I've been in a funk 97% percent of the time. And the other 3% I'm sleeping. Maybe that's the problem? I'm only sleeping during three percent of my life. That can't be healthy.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this. It's not like my life is awful or anything. Sure, I have the occasional car or phone problem, and I'm not particularly exhilarated about my job, but at least I have a job. And in this economy, that's something. I know plenty of people who have been looking for jobs for months and still have yet to find one.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much of my life. But again, it's not bad. I have a roof over my head, I'm able to eat, I have a family that loves me, I have a boyfriend and friends who care about me, I have a job, I have clothes to keep me warm, I'm ALIVE...

Then what am I missing? Why do I feel like crying all the time?

The one where I try to learn how to cook...almost.

"Tomorrow is the day I learn how to cook."

These were the words I spoke to my roommate last night as I watched him make pasta and vegetables on the stove. It didn't look too hard - all he did was put some beef in a pan that turned brown all on it's own. Boiled some water and put the pasta in. Warmed up the pre-made sauce. Put some oil in the pan before he put the vegetables in, then pushed them around a little bit. I can do that!

I have a tendency to waste my food. I'll buy tons of microwave dinners, then decide I don't want to make them because I want to try something original. I've talked to friends, asking for easy recipes, which they all willingly give. I'll buy the supplies to make some sort of easy dish, but by the time I get around to cooking whatever it is, I've lost all motivation to actually make something from pseudo-scratch.

It isn't that I can't cook anything, because I've made food before. I make great mashed potatoes and chicken parmesan. I've even attempted eggplant parmesan, which I was told was good. (By my boyfriend, but that counts too, right? Plus, he's still alive and that was months ago, so it totally counts.)

I don't really know what it is about cooking that scares me so much. Maybe it's that I think I won't be able to cut things right? Or that the oven will burn me. The oven thing is a big one - I used to have to have my roommates take brownies out after I made them because of how scared I was of it. I think I've gotten a bit better about the oven thing though, but I'm not entirely certain, since...well, it's been awhile.

Anyway. I fully intended to start cooking stuff tonight. I was going to make something easy even - ravioli from costco that all you needed to do was boil some water, pour in some oil, and stir a little bit. But, that didn't happen. I had a meeting at 5 where they offered free food. Tomorrow night I'm going to a show, and I don't want to attempt to make food before that just in case something goes horribly wrong and I set my apartment on fire. (Which reminds me - I should probably get my roommate to plug the smoke detector back in...) Friday night I have an event, so I guess the next possible time for me to cook dinner would be Saturday. So, Saturday it is. I'll make the ravioli that I was planning to make tonight, and hope it turns out ok. And if you don't hear from me in awhile because I've burned down my apartment...it was nice knowing you.

What's the worst that could happen?

Today was Pat's memorial service. It was really nice to hear about his life, his philosophies, his ideas, etc. Mike seems to be handling everything pretty well. He is under the impression that Pat passed to bring everyone together, which is really sweet. For example, Mike had Kelsey introduce me to this guy named Adam who lives in New York because he's Jewish. Mike is hilarious in that way.

In Kelsey's eulogy (is it still a eulogy if it isn't at a funeral?) she talked about how she ended up moving to Chico. Well, Mike talked about it first, but it was more about how he and Pat moved here. Mike had the interview at the school, got the job, and Pat just said "let's go." Even though he had never seen Chico. Then Mike and Pat would call Kelsey and tell her how beautiful Chico was and how vegan friendly and whatnot. Finally, during one of her conversations with Pat, he said something along the lines of "what's the worst that can happen? You fail and you end up moving home. It's not the end of the world."

Recently, Kelsey and I had a conversation that went similarly about me moving to New York. As much as I love living here, I think I'm ready to get out. The only thing that has really been holding me back is money and fear. But like Pat says, what's the worst that can happen? I run out of money and end up moving back to California and in with my parents. But even that isn't the end of the world (regardless of how much I hate the valley). I don't know, living there the summer of 2008 just wasn't enough for me. I was there for three months, and I didn't even get close to seeing or doing everything. I didn't even make a dent!

So that's it. It's decided. I'm moving back to New York. And if I fail, it'll be ok. At least I'll have tried. And it's the right decision for now.

cupcakes

I don't know what it is, but the past couple of weeks I have really been craving cupcakes. Maybe its the fact that Jenn has been talking about how she keeps making them, but I've really wanted some.

I attempted to make a batch of cupcakes last month as dessert for dinner for Lee and me (I had made dinner and decided dessert should be thrown in there too - why not? Dessert = awesome.), but they came out not so great. I mean, they tasted fine, but they kind of looked like...mini volcanoes. Not entirely sure how that happened. It might have had something to do with the fact that I didn't have one of those mixer things that you're supposed to have when you make cake or cupcakes. (Seriously, clumps of butter on the whisk I attempted to use instead. Definitely not something I would recommend.)

I made cookies the other night, which were good, but didn't quite hit the spot. Now I'm definitely in the mood for cupcakes. Even though I'm not even close to being the tiniest bit hungry...

25....

I know I already did the list of 25 things a couple months ago (it was more than 25 and less numbered), but I am feeling a bit narcissistic and a little less creative. So here are 25 more things about me that I have yet to tell you.

1. Salty things make me sneeze. So does the sun.

2. If I am sent an email or tagged in a note on facebook, I look at the list of people that you contact and see where I fall in the list. On facebook its a little more random because its generated how you think of people, but I notice who you thought of before me and who you thought of after me.

3. I would love to take a long walk in the rain if I had no possessions on me. Even if its cold.

4. I love wearing dresses, but don't own any that I feel comfortable wearing to school. I also really like getting dressed up. I don't, however, like wearing heels, even though they make me closer to normal height.

5. I don't remember ever really being bothered by the fact that I am short.

6. I censor myself a lot. I don't like to speak up in class because I feel like everyone will think what I say is stupid or wrong, even if I know I have the right answer. I've lost a lot of participation points because of this.

7. I have never bonded with anyone as quickly as I bonded with Rachel while I was in New York. I miss her a lot.

8. If I get yelled at or snapped at by someone, I tend to sulk for awhile. Especially if it comes out of nowhere. When I was about 12 and at summer camp, I was looking through a song book for the words that the songleader was singing, and he stopped and took my music book away. I almost started crying. After he finished the song he gave me the book back. I also kind of put up a wall towards the person for a few days, and I don't know how to break it down.

9. I have always loved broccoli and mushrooms.

10. I have a horrible memory for things that actually matter (like school or things from my childhood), but I can remember where a book is on my bookshelf or what color the handles on the cabinets are in a house that I haven't seen in years.

11. I compulsively buy books even if I have ten that I haven't read yet. And I normally have about that many.

12. I don't feel like I open up to that many people, so when I get stressed out I tend to keep it to myself. Or if I do tell someone, I don't tell them everything, which just kind of makes it worse.

13. I have been thinking about moving to Chicago after I graduate, but I don't know when, since I want to travel first. I also might go teach English in Israel for a year, but that thought completely scares me.

14. I get jealous of people who are close with their extended families, because I don't feel like I am.

15. Talking on the phone makes me nervous, but I've been trying to get better. It's difficult though, because not many people like talking on the phone these days. We all mostly text message or email.

16. Sometimes I write things that I don't mean to be funny, but when someone else reads it they'll tell me its hilarious. And then I see that it is. Sometimes.

17. I watch way too many tv shows, but I don't think I can stop. I am too emotionally involved with a lot of them. Also, I sometimes cry while watching certain shows.

18. I used to be obsessed with glitter. I wore it on my eyes, in my hair, on my cheeks, everywhere. For my friend's birthday I wanted to get her a thing of glitter because I liked it so much, but my mom told me that she didn't think it was a good idea. After that I wore a lot less of it, but I still love it.

19. The only concerts I've been to are N*SYNC, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill Soul2Soul (all three nights it was in LA), Taylor Swift/LeeAnn Rimes, Panic! at the Disco/Fall Out Boy, and Jack's Mannequin.

20. I slept with a nightlight and my door open until I left for college. Now when I go home, my room has to be completely dark and my doors (room and closet) have to be closed or I can't fall asleep. I also keep my room pretty dark when I'm at school, except for when I'm so tired that I fall asleep with my light on.

21. I like to try and make people feel better, even if I am not feeling that great myself. I also have a hard time not helping people when they ask, unless I absolutely can't. I also tend to buy things for people, even when I don't really have the money to. When I was in high school my mom thought I was trying to buy my friends. I guess I kind of was.

22. I don't typically like nuts, but I love eating honey roasted peanuts and peanut m&ms.

23. Seeing me hyper and seeing me drunk are usually the same experience, minus the alcohol, but I don't think I get hyper that often anymore.

24. I really like surprises, but I always find out about them beforehand. Much less surprise-like if you know about it. My fourth grade birthday party was a surprise, ruined by my best friend, and my 19th birthday party was a surprise, ruined by a text message.

25. For my 21st birthday, my brother gave me a "make your own umbrella kit" box with a Polyphonic Spree cd inside. I thought the make your own umbrella kit was the present, and I was actually really excited. My brother told me normal people don't get excited over stuff like that. I'm not normal. That's also exciting.

Music is what feelings sound like. - Author Unknown

"I had to let you go. I had to say goodbye. No more excuses. No more tears to cry."

"I won't write you a love song 'cause you asked for it. 'Cause you need one. You see?"

"Sing us a song, you're the piano man."

"Maybe it's intuition but some things you just don't question. Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant, and there it goes. I think I've found my best friend."

"And I wonder if I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight."

Music is so personal. You can search through millions of songs and hear exactly what you're going through, or something extremely close that hits home. Or you don't even have to find lyrics that match what you're thinking, but you can hear a melody that strikes a chord in your brain.

But music can also change the mood that you're in. People listen to music when they're trying to get pumped up for an evening out on the town, or when they're going to the gym to get motivated, or to get over a breakup. All the different songs can alter how you're feeling and change what the night will look like. Listening to a few depressing songs before you go out with friends could make the going out part seem less enticing and getting into pj's and eating ice cream a much more appealing option.

I've been sitting in my bed for a few hours now listening to whatever Pandora is sending my way all on the suggestion of the song "Hollywood's Not America" by Ferras. It's been playing Billy Joel, Ben Folds, Death Cab for Cutie, Sara Bareilles...all people that have upbeat songs. And yet, the songs that have been playing have kind of made me feel the need to get into my pajamas and never get out of them. Luckily, I have no real reason to be depressed at the moment, so I'm not actually planning on doing that, but its interesting to see how much a song can influence your brain. Or my brain, anyway.

I really like that though. I like that I can change my mood just by changing my playlist. All I have to do is listen to "Out Tonight" from Rent or "I Will Survive" or "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I feel ready for a night out. I just need to turn up the sound of a few upbeat tunes, and I'm ready to go. At the same time, if I'm looking for a mellow night, I just need to listen to "Begin" by Ben Lee, or some Savage Garden (because...PLEASE, most of their songs are mellow/sad) and I'm content. If I'm sad I can just put on some "What Hurts the Most" by Rascall Flats or "White Horse" by Taylor Swift, or "Leave The Pieces" by the Wreckers (or any country song!) and I can dwell in my sadness for as long as I need to.

Music is so mind stimulating. So...thanks songwriters. Keep it up.

Only one day at time...if only...

So, its the new year. We've been in 2009 for six whole days, but I can already feel things changing. The new year always brings new hopes, dreams, desires, fantasies...and fears. When it comes to me, its mostly fears.

I'm always so afraid to look too far in the future, but end up doing it anyway. I try to make plans three months in advance, or even a year in advance, but somehow things always end up changing and I get upset. I'm most terrified of looking too far into this semester, because I'm worried something will end up happening and my life will turn sour.

Things are so good for me right now: I have some really great friends, a boyfriend who loves me, a new semester of fresh classes, and a whole bunch of opportunities that have just opened up to me. But I have this nagging feelings that something awful is just around the corner.

I have reasons for this. Things always change just when I start getting comfortable.

But this year I'm extra nervous for an entirely different reason. I'm graduating. I'm going to be going out into the real world, with real people, and (maybe) getting a job. I'm jumping out of this safety net of college, where meeting people is (supposedly) easy, and you can hardly keep track of the number of parties you go to, and things are readily available to you. Once you're out, who knows if you have the same kind of luxuries?

I went home for Hannukah and New Years, and that was hard. Not only did I realize that I really don't want to move back there, but I had to constantly think about what was coming up next for me. People kept asking what I'm going to do once I get out. "What can you do with a musical theatre degree? Be a waitress?" Or they'd ask what the boyfriend and I are going to do. And I honestly have no idea. Who knows if its even going to last that long?

Ugh, see what I mean? I'm so...pessimistic about the future. I wish I knew how to take life one day at a time. Because there are so many good things too. I still have a good 3 and a half months before I graduate. I still have time to hang out with all the people I've made friends with these past four years (and especially these last few semesters). I still have time to learn so many things. I still have time to find out more about myself while in college. I still have time to pull all nighters for fun.

I still have time to do so much, and yet...the fear still lingers.

Hello, Lacuna?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is probably one of my favorite movies.

Keeping that in mind, what would you do if you found out you could erase someone? Would you do it? Is there someone who you would just completely erase from your memory forever?

I've thought about this before. In high school, there were a few people who really affected my life and changed the way I thought about a lot of things.

For starters, there was Shaun. Shaun and I met freshman year, in a math class. He was sitting next to a guy named Robby, who my friend liked. I also kind of liked Robby, but decided to let my friend go for him instead, and set my sights on Shaun, even though I had absolutely no interest in him. About two weeks into class, I wrote him a note that said "Hey, I'm going to pretend to like you. Sorry for everything that is about to happen." He responded with a long response of "uh, ok." We also had drama together. The first day of class we had to tell a few things about ourselves, so he started talking about how he liked water. Our teacher asked what kind of water, so he started naming off all sorts of things like rivers, lakes, ponds, etc. The bell was going to ring about a minute into what he was talking about, so I said "just keep rambling, the bell is going to ring soon." So he did, and then he thanked me after class. A few weeks after that, we had become friends. We had a lot of classes together, so we ended up spending most of our time in each other's company. Through spending time with him, I got to know him and other things about him...like the fact that he had a girlfriend. As is often the case, because we had been spending so much time together I actually had started to like him in the "more than friends" kind of way. We spent a lot of time together talking, and during class we'd write notes back and forth (all of which I believe I still have in my closet at my parents house...). We had this great friendship going, but it wasn't going anywhere. We started having a secret code in our notes and making mixed cds for each other, and having really late night conversations on the phone. Eventually he started talking about breaking up with his girlfriend to go out with me. I was excited at this prospect, because I really liked him, but as it turned out...he wasn't going to break up with her. (So the story usually goes.) After I found out that he wasn't serious, we started drifting apart. He started hanging out with other people, and I hung out in the drama room with people that I had made friends with. Halfway through sophomore year he transferred schools to be with his girlfriend. I only saw him once after that, when he came back a year and a half later to pick up his new girlfriend. A junior girl in my drama class. It was weird seeing him after all that time.

I wonder if I would get the guts to be able to erase him from my memory. He was a big part of my life for awhile, and he got me into some great music. It was hard not talking to him though. We were best friends for awhile, and he helped get me through some tough things. We even performed a scene together at a DTASC festival. Sometimes it's nice to have those memories.

Someone that I really wouldn't mind erasing from my mind is the professor. I keep thinking that he's a good guy, that I really like being friends with him, but then I see his ulterior motives and I can't help but wonder what made me attracted to that. Granted, he's Jewish and he's smart, but still. He's an elitist jerk who hates musicals. He came to see Bernarda Alba because I asked him to, but he made me buy the tickets and walk them over to his office instead of buying them himself. He plays piano, but he barely plays requests. He tries to seem nice, but instead ends up sounding sleazy. He IS sleazy. He has been trying for a few years now to get into my pants. When I told him that I had a boyfriend, he said "oh, so I guess that means no chance of that dinner, huh?" Seriously. And because of the cycle that I keep going through (talking to him, not talking to him, talking to him, not talking to him), my brain keeps going on a cycle (stupid, smart, stupid, smart) which really takes a toll on my thoughts. I think that erasing him from my memory would be a smart move. Or if I had never met him...my life probably would have been much easier.

Too bad Lacuna, Inc. doesn't really exist...

awesomeness coming up next...

A lot of exciting things are coming up pretty soon. First off, we have Bernarda Alba, which opens on Wednesday. It seems to be coming together really well, which is awesome. We finally got our costumes today, which look really cool under all the lights and everything. The whole show seems like it's going to be really great. It'll be interesting to hear what people think about the show after they see it.

Coming up after that is my birthday! My birthday party is also going to be really fun, I hope. I themed it "childhood". I hope that it ends up being fun, and not crazy/ridiculous. There have only been a few birthdays that I've really enjoyed. I hope this year ends up being one of those.

After my birthday is thanksgiving, which will be pretty sweet. My family is having a pseudo reunion in Oakland. Well, my mom's side of the family is having one. I'm excited because there are going to be a lot of family members there that I haven't seen in awhile. It'll be super fun. And Joel (my favorite boy cousin) told me that he's going to take me out to celebrate my birthday, which will be really fun. He's a bartender, so he'll be able to pick some really tasty drinks for me.

In other news, things with the boyfriend are going well. It'll be two months on Friday. Exciting, yes? Yes. He's going to be meeting my family this weekend when they come up for the show. It's cute, he's really nervous about meeting them. I think he'll be fine though, my family isn't that scary. Sometimes they're mean (to me), but other than that, he'll be ok. I think a few of my other friends will be coming to brunch with my family too, so hopefully he'll be less nervous.

Ok...I think that's about it right now.

Foreshadowing for next post: what would you do if you could erase someone from your memory/life?

Peter Panism

A few years ago, I took a Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion class at school. The class was pretty interesting for the most part, and we had an awesome teacher. For our final, she assigned a paper in which we had to create our own religion. I asked if we could write in narrative form, and she said yes.

Tonight, I was looking through my e-mail account, and I found this paper. I hadn't updated in awhile, so I thought I'd share this now. The writing isn't the best, but I still find the concept of it interesting. Enjoy!
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On a Sunday morning at the Giving Tree of Lost Boys, a small group of children gather. Their teacher, Miss Bellevue, brought them to order with a slight tap of her wand on the side of the Giving Tree. All the little children came to attention and sat patiently, waiting for her to speak.

"Class, today we're going to learn about where we came from, and why things are the way they are," said Miss Bellevue. "I'm going to tell you about Peter Pan and the story of how he created Panism, our most beloved religion. Panism is a polytheistic religion, children. Does anyone know what that means?” The children all gave her blank stares. “Well,” she went on to explain, “What that means is that we have more than one god in which we celebrate. We actually have two. The first is Peter Pan, the creator of Panism. The second is Tinkerbell, our Goddess of creation. She created all that you see and many things that you don't. But she couldn't do it all herself, so she enlisted the help of Peter who organized simple rules to which to live by."

Miss Bellevue went on to explain the details of Panism. "The rules that we live by are simple:

Be happy at all times…

Never grow up…

Always help others smaller than yourself…

Raise yourself up to a higher position… that which can only be done once you've completed the other steps and you finally believe in yourself and true happiness. Then and only then will you be able to fly to Neverland. There is a legend about all of this, told by Peter himself many moons ago. When Tinkerbell first started the long task of creating Neverland she made it the most beautiful place ever, full of vibrant colors. She wanted clear skies, blue oceans and the greenest grasses. She, in essence, was making our heaven. When someone passes away who has been following Panism to the best of their ability and has been living a “good” life on Earth, they come here, to Neverland. It doesn’t matter what race or gender they are: if they believe in the laws of Panism, they are more than welcome. Once they arrive here, they turn back into their former childhood age in which they were the happiest. As you can tell, I was happiest at the age of 14. When you are reincarnated into your younger self, you are given an age in the range of 3 to 15. No older, no younger, so we can keep with the theme of childhood. As many of you may recall, you play with toys when you are younger. When you come to Neverland, you get to bring your favorite toy with you to remember that you are a child and to always have fun. This makes sure that you have something to play with at all times, and you will always be happy."

Billy, a small 7-year-old boy raised his hand from the front of the group. "Miss Bellevue… If all the good people come to Neverland, what happens to all the bad people who didn't believe that die? Do they come to Neverland too?"

"That's a very good question Billy," She answered, "When a person dies on Earth, if they have been good and have reached all the goals set by Peter himself, they come to Neverland. If you don't do all these things, and you've been a bad person, you're sent to Pirate Island where Captain Hook is the master. You see, when Tinkerbell created all of this good, a bit of evil was created. Since there must be a balance, good will always have evil in the shadows. That is why there is Pirate Island, to keep the evil people away from the good.”

“How do people get into Neverland?” asked Jamie. “Is there something that they have to do to show that they truly believe in Panism before they can get in?”

“Good question, Jamie!” said Miss Bellevue. “There is something called a Rite of Passage that people need to do before they can enter into Neverland. It is a very hard thing to do, but it is actually quite possible. When the time comes to show that you are finally ready to prove your full belief and devotion to Panism and that you are truly happy, you begin to fly for the first time. Once you have learned to fly, you're on your way to Neverland! With all of your goals complete, you will be guaranteed entrance to Neverland. For those who lived bad lives, or those who aren't happy, and who don't believe in the rules of Panism, they are incapable of flight and are taken to Pirate Island and left to fend for themselves on Captain Hooks pirate ship.”

"Now children, as you know I am your teacher. All of the teachers are hand-picked by Peter Pan himself to be his religious specialists. We are in charge of helping to keep the wisdom of Panism alive and strong in the world today, and to, of course, answer and aid any of you with your questions. The other religious specialists that help heal you are the Indians. Tiger Lily and her father are the head religious specialists over here on Neverland. They make sure that the children are always healthy, and if any issues arise, they help settle them by using their special drugs and potions. They also help to make sure that as followers of Panism, we help one another whenever possible. We live in a very basic society, mainly based on a tribal belief system. Can anyone tell me what that means?” Again, she was met with blank stares. “A tribal belief system means that we are just a singular family style group. We all co-exist and strive to be united with other bands of families throughout Neverland. Each region of Neverland has it's own family and each family is part of an even larger family with strong communal and social bonds."

"Miss Bellevue, are there any celebrations or holidays? Like Christmas? Does Santa come here? Does Santa go to Pirate Island ?" Jill asked from the middle of the group, her blue eyes shining with anticipation.

"Why, yes, Jill, there are holidays. Each year we have an annual holiday celebration called a Harvest. During this time all the tribes of Neverland and even Pirate Island come together at Peter Pan’s court and celebrate the creation of Neverland. Because this is such a big holiday, everyone on Neverland and Pirate Island put aside their differences and get together to celebrate. This is the point in time when our imaginations are put to the test. You, as a participant, have to come up with the food that we are eating. We eat all the best foods imaginable, and even foods that aren't imaginable! We dance the best dances to the very best music ever created. We play the very best games ever to come to fruition."

"What kind of games?" asked Jake, a curious ten year old. "Are there competitions too?"

"Oh, yes, of course all the best players from each region compete in the biggest game we have. It's called Extreme Coaster!" All the children smiled at the sound of such a game. "In Extreme Coaster, the competitors each have to race through a giant obstacle course that goes throughout the entire island. Can you imagine that? First, you skate around half of the island on a skateboard or a scooter, depending on your vehicle of choice. Once you get to the Indian campgrounds, you have to do a short dance that they will teach you. After you finish that, you come back to the amphitheatre, where you have to fly to the highest tree in Neverland and back. And as if this was not hard enough? If you finish first of everyone, you have to solve a very hard riddle! If you win, you get to be Peter’s helpers for a day, which is one of the highest honors possible."

The children looked amazed. A big celebration with skateboarding, dancing, and flying? How could you ask for anything more? This great Harvest was the single best thing they'd ever heard of and couldn't dream of what it would be like to celebrate it with all their fellow lost boys.

"That sounds like incredible fun Miss Bellevue. But, when we're not at the Harvest do we worship Peter together like we are now?" asked a curious young boy.

"All Peter asks is that you keep living a good life and abide by the simple rules he's set. If you feel that you must give thanks to him you can do it individually by playing with your toy, or you can get together in a group of children and play together as we are now. Another way is if you help someone smaller than you do something that they need help with. He does not ask for your thanks or prayers. Your acts of kindness to each other are enough for him." She replied. "Ok, kids. Time for cookies!"

As the class ran to get the cookies, Miss Bellevue smile to herself. "Not bad for my first time teaching!" She thought.

"Miss Bellevue?" A little girl was tugging on Miss Bellevue skirt.

"Yes, Marissa?" said Miss Bellevue.

"I can't wait to get to Neverland."

Technology makes me giddy.

I feel like a giddy school girl right now, but my boyfriend just updated his facebook status. It says: "Lee is going to be tired in the morning..... but, it was worth it."

He had just driven me home right before he updated it. Ha. Sweet.

I feel much better about the whole relationship thing. I mean, I still have no idea what I'm doing or whatever, but I feel a bit more comfortable with it. I like that we're still in the really new stage, where we've only been together a little more than two weeks so things are still new and exciting.

It is, however, taking a toll on my sleeping habits. I keep staying at his place until 12:30 or 1am every night just hanging out or watching tv or whatever, and then I come home and don't fall asleep right away. Like now, it's 1:50 and I'm still not asleep. (I really should go to sleep). But I'm happy with how things are going. For now at least. Ha, always expecting the worst. Oh well. A friend of his from home is coming up this weekend. I hope she likes me. And also that even if she doesn't Lee doesn't just change his mind about me because of her opinion. Ha.

Rehearsals for Bernarda Alba are going well. We've learned all the music, and are now working on blocking and choreography and the like. I'm really enjoying it, and I think the show will come together fabulously. I'm excited to see the finished product, even though we still have over a month.

Ok. I'm off to bed. Thanks for reading.

I'm a girlfriend?

I had definitely planned on writing another post last weekend, but somehow I didn't get around to it.

So. I had a date. And now I have a boyfriend.

It's interesting though, I definitely didn't see this happening this quickly. Also, everyone is telling him not to fuck it up, but what about me? I am perfectly capable of fucking things up just as much as he is, but no one is warning me about it. And I'm probably more likely of messing things up too. I mean, come on, look at my relationship history! I've been the dumpee. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Matt (spring semester of freshman year to nov 5 of sophomore year) - broke up with me for weed. Slash I was getting attention starved. If he had hung out with me more I would have been less attention starved. Eh, bad ending all around.

Albert (two weeks fall semester of freshman year) - he was depressed and didn't want help, so he dumped me. Eh. Not my fault either.

Doron (August 22, 2004-January 14, 2005) - broke up with because I was too depressed. I loved him. God. Ugh. That was an awful breakup. I still can't listen to Les Miserables without thinking of him.

Evan - broke up with me because I didn't like to be touched. Still don't. Oh well.

I haven't had a boyfriend since Matt, and I don't know how to act anymore. I don't know how to be around someone who wants to be around me all the time. He pays for me. He treats me well. He likes talking to me, and hanging out with me, and going out with me...

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm too out of practice. I don't know how to be a girlfriend.

Shit.

I'll tell you more while still pushing you away

So, remember how I told you that I'm really bad at keeping my own secrets? It's true. But now that people who know me in real life know about my blog, I feel like there are some things I can't write about. For instance, I have a date tomorrow night. Which I'm excited about. Or the fact that James and I are becoming close again. Which is awesome. Actually, I can write about James and I becoming close again, but there isn't much to it. M's birthday helped us talk, even though I was ridiculously drunk. Apparently he was as well, but we talked again when we were a tad less drunk, and the same held true. It was nice.

Anyway, since I don't want to talk about my date tomorrow and that's pretty much all that's occupying my mind right now...I'm going to tell you some random facts about me. Yeah.

Some of these could be things I already mentioned, some may be things that I'll expand upon later. Feel free to ask me questions on things you need expansion on. Or other things you want to know. If you care, ha.

I'm a musical theatre major, graduating this year.
I'm 21.
I'm pretty much completely addicted to the internet (yahoomail, facebook, myspace, gmail, twitter, and googlereader are always open in one firefox window, and a tv show hosting site is open in another).
My life is sufficiently awkward, but I tend to make it more awkward by saying something is awkward even when it's not.
I have a lot of favorite movies.
I love to get dressed up.
I like to make collages of pictures and magazine clippings.
I'm pretty shy until you get to know me, and then I'm pretty crazy.
I have a totally random sense of humor.
I love to sing. (Musical theatre? yeah....)
I like to cuddle.
I like lists but half the time I don't finish them because I get distracted by shiny objects.
I love stuffed animals. (I sleep with a stuffed pink pig named Pigglywinks. Pretty awesome.)
I like reading quotes.
I love being part of inside jokes.
I don't particularly care about fashion.
When I was younger, I really liked science.
I love the high school musical movies, even though I know they are ridiculously awful.
When it comes to music, I'll listen to one CD for a really long time, then get sick of it and not listen to it for awhile.
I like spending time with my friends, but being by myself also works for me. Sometimes.
I love to laugh.
I love walking in the rain, especially if I get completely soaked.
I get nervous easily.
I love to read.
I like sugar.
Anyone who can make me smile or laugh is pretty much my hero.
I hate feelings left out.
I want to move back to New York.
My favorite color is purple.
I love being Jewish.
I hate feelings stupid.
I get hurt easily but try not to show it.
I LOVE Disney movies.
Chuck E Cheese is one of my favorite places. My 18th birthday was my best birthday, and I spent it at Chuck E Cheese.
I love mint n chip and chocolate malted crunch ice cream.
I like to ice skate.
If I could live in a bookstore I would totally do it.
I really like Israeli dancing, but it's been awhile since I have been able to.
I would rather go book shopping than clothes shopping.
I'm NEVER sarcastic. Ever.
I used to be in a band with two other redheads called "Twisted Faces".
I'm addicted to text messaging.
I recently found this quote that I feel describes me well: "I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence because of something that happened yesterday."
I love midnight shopping trips.
I like meeting new people even though it freaks me out.
I usually have way too many pillows on my bed.
I ages I act range from 5 to 12 to 16 to 21.
I keep the interesting fortunes from fortune cookies up on my wall. (My favorite: An empty bag does not stand upright.)
I'm a huge fan of pienapple.
I like pretending I'm good at painting.
I learned how to do a cartwheel two summers ago.
I like glitter.
I don't know how I feel about change.
I really like dry yellow cake mix or brownie mix.
I talk in letter form sometimes. (Dear ipod, stop hating me. love, me.)
I use abbreviations sometimes. (Probs, totes, maybs)


That was long. (that's what she said.)

I should probs go to bed now. It's almost 4.
I'll try to put up a real post later. Sorry for the fluff.

party time

I really wish I was still into partying as much as I used to be. Ever since I got back to school, the only thing that there really has been to do is to get drunk or go to a party. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still a fan of drinking occasionally, but I don't want to get ridiculously drunk every time I have some alcohol.

Back in freshman year, we used to have theatre parties at my friend Sean's house all the time. Literally, every Thursday and Friday and Saturday, we would be over there, drinking and hanging out, or drinking to a Disney movie, or drinking and listening to music. I think most of the time that I spent over there I was drunk.

Best drinking game night ever was when we played a drinking game to Hercules. Girls drank every time they said Hades, guys drank every time they said Zeus, everyone drank every time they said "Hercules" or a song started. Talk about getting sloshed quickly! That was fun. I think we tried to watch other movies after that, but everyone was pretty drunk.

This weekend there was a lingerie party at the Normal St House (a house where a group of theatre students live). At first I thought it was going to be really fun because sophomore year it was awesome, everyone was dressed up and we all knew eachother (and also I was 11 Kamikazee shots deep). This year most of the people were dressed up (Mindee and I went shopping at Frederick's on Wednesday to get our outfits - these ones, if you're interested) but there were a TON of people there. Apparently, one of the freshman took it upon herself to invite everyone she's met since she's been here, which was AWESOME. And by awesome I mean the worst thing ever. There was no air in the house, so if you went in there you couldn't breathe. If you were outside, you got eaten by bugs. If you went in the basement you were humped senseless by the hoards of drunk freshman. (Major orgy.) The party was just ridiculous.

I think a lot of the people had fun, but I was ready to leave about five minutes after I got there. There were too many people there that I didn't know for the amount of naked I was. But I stuck it out, hung out with a bunch of people outside (and now have about 8 bug bites to show for it) and tried to be a good sport. I had even taken 3 shots before I left to get in the mood for the party! It just didn't work. Bad news.

Oh well. Maybe I should just figure out how to be a drunkie again. Eh.

Make believe...

Tonight ended up not being so bad after all.

I accidentally left my phone at home, so when he called me I wasn't around to answer it. I got home around 5:30, saw that he had called, and called him back. He didn't pick up the first time, so I waited about ten minutes, then called again.

"Hello?"
"Hey, how are you?"
"I'm ok, starved. Are you hungry?"
"I could definitely eat."
"Ok, where shoud we meet?"
"You were supposed to pick an Italian restaurant..."
"Oh, that's right I was. Well, how about we go to Franky's? That's Italian."
"Sure, I've never been there."
"Ok, how about I'll meet you there at 6 and then drive you home?"
"Sure." (I don't think he knows I have a car.)

I walked to the restaurant, and ended up getting there five minutes early. Asked for a table for two, then sat down. Ten minutes later, he showed up.

"Sorry I was five minutes late."
"It's ok."
"Give me a hug."
(I did)

The conversation started out kind of halted, talking about politics (why does he always bring up politics right away? I wish I cared more. I know, I'm a bad American. Boo freaking hoo.), then slowly moving on to other things. He talked about his trip to Los Angeles last spring and how much he hated living there. How he dated a woman who made him feel insignificant and money conscious, and bored. He said that she said that he was the least affectionate person she knew, and he told me that wasn't true, that he's actually a very affectionate person. He continued to talk about her for a good 10 minutes, telling me all the awful things she did and how she kept bringing him to museums. He said he hates museums. (If you'll recall, I do as well.) He said he likes art that moves, like theatre or music. (I was going to question him on this point, because as far as I know the only theatre he likes is Les Miz and West Side Story, but I decided not to.) I told him about my summer in New York, and how many shows I saw. I tried to name them all, but he makes me nervous and I couldn't remember. He told me that he saw August: Osage County, and we talked about that for a little while. He asked if I was single, I told him I was, but not by choice. He asked if I wanted a relationship. I said I would, but it seems kind of pointless since I'm leaving. He asked "wouldn't this be the time to take time for you?" I asked him if he was single. He said "mostly." He said he doesn't have a girlfriend.

He asked me if I was happy.

I tried to explain to him what I felt, but I couldn't find the words to do it. I told him I was "happyish. Maybe." He asked me what that meant. It took me awhile, but I figured out how to word it so that I was ok with it.

"The summer in New York was so good for me..."
"So you were really in your element there."
"...but it stressed me out a lot too."
"Why?"
"It made me realize that this is my last year of college, and I still need so much training to even be close to the same level as all of those amazing people that are out there right now."

Then he told me that I needed to be involved with theatre somehow for the rest of my life. That he could see what passion it ignited in me, and how happy I seemed when I was talking about it. He said that it didn't matter what capacity it was in - "it could be marketing, or box office" - but I needed it in my life in some way, and he could tell what an important part it is of who I am. I agreed with him. Then he told me that I have secret talents. (News to me.) He said sometimes we never turn out to do the things we think we're going to. He never expected to be a teacher. I asked what he thought he was going to be. He said "a trial lawyer." When I asked him why the change, he said "I couldn't get past the fact that I wouldn't be helping many people."

A little while later he told me I looked sad. I made the excuse that it was my face (because most of the time it is!).
"It's not your face, your natural expression is very lovely."
"Uh, ok."
He looked for our server, then said the next part very quickly: "You look hot, are you sure you don't want dessert?" I laughed, and declined.

He got up to pay for our meal, then came back and sat down.
"I take it back, you don't look sad. You look relaxed and debonair."
"I'll take that over sad!"

And then he asked me what I was thinking.
"You know that's one of the hardest questions to answer?"
"I can think of much harder questions. You know, you can always ask me what I'm thinking? You know I'll tell you anything?"
I felt the awkwardness sliding back in, so I asked for his drink of choice.
"I tell you to ask me anything, and that's what you want to know?"
"Yes."

A few minutes later he asked if we could go hang out at my place. I said sure. We came to my apartment, and he wandered around a little bit. He looked at my room (which was only semi-clean) and my pictures, then told me I hadn't sent him any videos in awhile. I must have looked confused, because he said "of you doing stuff...you know...singing?" That calmed me down a bit (a little more than a year ago I sent him a video of me giving my freshman roommate a lapdance...), then told him I would send him some soon.

Then he told me that next time we should start later, and go out to dinner.
I walked him to the door, he hugged me and said goodbye.

Whisper her name...

Talk about an eventful night.


Last night, I had a birthday party for a friend of mine. It was a special birthday party though, definitely not the typical kind. First of all, she doesn't live in northern California. She's in Santa Barbara. Well, really, she's buried there.

My first real week in New York, my friend killed herself.

I remember getting the call. My mom called me at 10am on that Friday morning. I was upset that she had called that early because it was my only day to sleep in, and I wanted to sleep til noon. I didn't pick up, but she didn't leave a message. I called her back right away, asking if it was important. She said it was, but if I was still sleeping I could call her back later. That caught my attention. She was calling to tell me that on Wednesday, M had taken her life.

I hadn't talked to M in a few months, so I didn't really know what was going on in her life, but she had emailed me around Thanksgiving to wish me a happy birthday and to comment on the fact that I was thinking about becoming a Jewish educator. She thought it was so cool that I might be a rabbi or a cantor or a teacher of Judaism. She told me that she was bragging to her boyfriend about it and everything.

God, I miss her.

We were never that close or anything, but our families were in the same group at the temple. Our Havurah (basically a group of families that make up another family) always had events planned, so we hung out a lot. When I was younger, I actually thought she didn't like me. Of course, that's how I feel about a lot of people, but for her it was worse because she was in my Havurah. Anyway, eventually we became a little closer, hanging out when our moms would get together. She was such a tomboy, and I was a girly girl, so our personalities clashed, but one day when it was raining we put bathing suits on (I put the top of mine on backwards) and did a rain dance. There are pictures.

Anyway, last night I had a birthday party for her, and I guess things just hit me harder than I was expecting them to. It also didn't help that I drank a lot. (For those of you who want to know how much I had - an entire bottle of white wine, a triple sec and pomegranate juice, two and a half pina coladas...that's all I can remember. It's possible I had other drinks.) There was a lot of crying, and a lot of text messaging, and a lot of conversations that should have been had while sober. I think the thing that keeps getting me through this is that at least she's not hurting anymore. Silver lining.

Happy birthday, M. I hope you're doing better, wherever you are.