Love is in the Air: The Meaning of Baking a Valentine's Day Cake to Share with the World

Happy Valentine's Day! Let's bake a cake....wait, scratch that. Let's bake some cookies! Oreo cheesecake cookies.

I had decided to bake some cookies last night, I just needed to pick up a few ingredients on my way home. Butter and chocolate chips. Kind of a big deal. SO! I stopped at Target on my way home from work, tried on some clothes (slight detour...whatever!) then made my way over to the grocery section. TARGET IS A GROCERY STORE NOW! WHOA. Found what I was looking for, then headed home.

No one was home, so I blasted the pop music and got down to booty shakin. And choppin up some oreos. Stuck them in my super awesome stand mixer (thanks grandparents!) and waited for them to be all crumb-y. Didn't take long.

Mixed up the cream cheese and butter and sugar and everything else delicious, then got to shaping the cookies. Dipped them in the crumb-like oreos, then put them on the pan! Since I had no helpers, I got to eat the rest of the batter by myself. Not that there was much left, but what was left was quite delicious. It's a good thing I stuck those babies in the oven before I started on the leftovers, otherwise there would quite possibly be none left...

The light was out in my oven, so I couldn't keep watch on them...I accidentally hit it with a baking pan last time I was baking something. WHOOPS! But it was ok, the oven still worked. After I stuck them in the oven I realized I had forgotten to put the red food coloring in! But then I realized I didn't have red food coloring, so these cookies would just have to remain black and white. Peace and love, yo.

Took the cookies out of the oven, but they weren't done! So back in they went for a few minutes. And then...VOILA! They were done. I'll be bringing them somewhere tomorrow, so people will get to eat them then. And they will be delicious. I may or may not have already had one just to make sure they weren't poisoned. I want to eat them all. ALL OF THEM.

Put them on a plate with purple flowers (because that's how I roll) and they're good to go!

Happy Valentine's Day from the porn capital of the world! No diseases this VDay, guys!

xoxo

Half as happy...

What has changed since the 1940's to now that makes divorce rates so high? My grandparents have been married since 1947 and are still just as in love today as they were when they got married. When I think of marriage among the older generation, all I can picture is happy married life. Almost every older couple I know is still married, or unfortunately widowed. When I look at my parent's generation, however, that is not the case.

I was always one of the luckier ones, with my parents still being married, but more than half of my friends when I was growing up came from divorced families. I never really speculated on why that was - why should I? My family was happy, so I didn't feel the need to. But now I've kind of begun to think about it.

What happened to love that made it so easy for couples to separate or even get divorced? Did the rise of technology instigate the fall of marriage? Technology was supposed to help communication, but it seems like it ruined it in some cases - especially when it comes to television. Families spend so much time in front of a TV set, so it seems like no one feels the need to talk anymore. Instead of just having it on as background noise, it's front and center and what everyone pays attention to. Family dinners where conversations used to take place about one's day have turned into watching something just because it's on at the same time. I'm not innocent in this either, I watch way too much TV than is probably healthy. But I still make sure that I'm communicating and not just solely focused on watching television.

I wonder if I asked my grandparents how they've stayed happy all these years they'd know the answer. And I'm not naive, I know there have also been dark times, but these are greatly outweighed by the good. I hope when I'm their age, I'll look back and know I was at least half as happy as they were.

"Write drunk, edit sober." - Ernest Hemingway

I was never really into writing when I was younger. Sure, I wrote the occasional story or script down, but I never thought anything of it. When I was 11 or 12, I used to have conversations with friends in the car and write down all the topics we had covered. But I never really thought about writing that much.

I remember one instance, when I was in 9th grade, were we were talking about Dante's Inferno. We were given the assignment of writing a story about hell of some sort. I remember slaving over that story for the entire class period, and when the bell rang, I wasn't even halfway through. My main character hadn't even made it all the way down, but I had to end it because I had run out of time. After that, I tried not to use as much detail in the stories I wrote, because I was always afraid I would run out of time. Actually, if we're being realistic, I didn't write much after that. I didn't think what I was writing was interesting enough.

I always had a journal or a diary, but I never put much information in it because I was always afraid someone would be reading it. Which, inevitably happened on multiple occasions - both my mom and my younger brother went through my room and read it during different stages in my life. I was, of course, always on livejournal. Always aware of my ever changing privacy, I had 5 (maybe 6?) different journals, each one more private than the next.

But writing never really came that easy to me. I would write if I was bored, or if I was exceptionally upset (which happened ridiculously often during high school). I would write if I had something to say but had no one to tell it to. I didn't really write if I was happy. I felt like livejournal wasn't a place that you could really be happy, which was weird. And whenever I go back to the journals that I wrote or read during high school, I would always have the high school feeling wash over me and I would end up feeling more upset than when I started, even if I was just trying to reminisce.

Writing still isn't one of my easiest skills, but I try to do it more. I'm always worried I'll end up offending someone, even though I'm allowed to have my own thoughts. Maybe I should take Ernest Hemingway's advice and drink when I think I want to write.

Love Letters

I have never had a love letter written to me. I don't blame that on anyone that I've dated, though. The fact is, most of the guys I've dated haven't exactly been writer-ly inclined. (Yeah, I know that's not a word. Oh well.)

I think the closest I ever came was a note from a guy named Dustin who I had met through MySpace. We were sitting at a park on the playground right after we met when he tore a piece of paper out of my journal and wrote something along the lines of "girl, why you so fly?" Really classy, right? I definitely swooned. Ah, the days of high school and MySpace love. And safety.

None of my boyfriends in high school really wrote much, and none of my boyfriends in college really did/do either. Which is fine, they were all into other things...music, acting, directing, science, being suicidal...Yeah, good times.

Anyway, the reason I was thinking about this was because I watched Sex and the City with Luke tonight. I haven't really seen much of the series (save for my summer in New York when I would stay up late watching episodes online because I had little else to do), but I enjoyed the movie. In it, Carrie is reading a book of love letters to do research for her newest book, and she asks her boyfriend if he has ever written her a love letter. He says no, because they've always been together, and people who write love letters were separated by wars or hundreds of miles.

I just found it interesting to think about. How many people actually get love letters these days?

Here We Go...

So! I've picked a place. I'm moving to Los Angeles.

It'll be a nice change. I'm moving down there at the end of the month. For the first few months I'll be staying with my parents, and then in September I'll be getting a place with my boyfriend. He'll be meeting me down there in July.

It'll be nice to be home again with my family. My mom and I really started bonding over thanksgiving when we made dinner together, so I'm hoping we'll get more cooking time in. Especially since I've really been starting to cook more. And it'll be nice to have an oven that actually cooks at the right temperature! I've found all these recipes that I really want to try out but because my oven sucks I haven't even bothered attempting it! So now I'll get to try them out. Although if I had tried them out here and they sucked I could just blame it on the oven....Hmmm....

And my grandparents live down there now, so I'll get to spend some time with them as an adult, rather than as a child who just says "buy this for me!" multiple times. Of course, there are perks to being down there with them...But I'll really be able to get to know them as people, rather than just as grandparents. I keep trying to convince my grandpa to write a book about his life experiences, but he seems to have trouble with it (the tape recorder doesn't record, he can't type fast enough, he can't hear what he said on the tape recorder, etc...). So maybe I can help him out with that.

It's been really nice living in Chico for the last 5 years, but I think it's time to go. I need more things to do than just sitting at home and watching tv or reading. There are so many places to go down there. And it'll be a nice change of pace. I've also heard that LA is extremely live-able, money-wise. Cheaper than San Francisco, and slightly cheaper than New York. So at least I'll get to have some money getting saved. Hopefully.

My roommates are moving over to Chicago, which is so exciting for them. I'm so proud of them for going after what they want. They'll be great, no doubt about it. I'm guessing they'll be on a show like SNL or something that fits them in no time at all because of how great they are.

I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to go watch some tv.

GLEE!

Ok, so I have a little bit of a shameless plug. As you might have read in previous posts, I am a musical theatre person. I graduated with a BA in Musical Theatre. I was hoping that my loyal fans (all two of you) would vote for me to be a new character on the tv series GLEE, a show about a high school glee club.

Here's HOW TO VOTE:

1. Go To http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions?link=219140532

2. SCROLL DOWN the page till you see the "GLEEKS" WINDOW and my videos.

3. CLICK the FACEBOOK ICON or MYSPACE ICON in the upper right-hand corner of the "Gleeks" window. This should log you into Facebook or Myspace.

4. CLICK "GIVE A GOLD STAR" (multiple times, VOTING is UNLIMITED)

Also, feel free to spread this around to people!

Even if you don't like the show, or have never seen it...please vote! I know I'm super awkward, but I think that adds to the fun.

Thanks for all your help! I really appreciate it!!

If you don't get it, it's ok. Neither do I.

I feel like life is just a game of chance. Rolling the dice. If I get an even number, I'll move to New York. If I get an odd number, I'll move to San Diego. If it's doubles I'll move to Chicago. Snake eyes and I'll kill myself.

And you never know if you make the right decision, which is what kills me! You can think about something over and over and over and then you finally make the decision to do it, and after it's done, you start thinking of all the things you hadn't thought about before you made the decision. So your decision wasn't really justified because you hadn't thought of ALL the options. And then, once you think you've thought of all the options, you start questioning if you've really thought of all the options because you hadn't thought about all of them before...and the cycle goes on and on.

It's like that alternate universe theory. Like in Sliding Doors, the movie with Gwenyth Paltrow. Her whole life changes just because she did or did not get on the subway at the right time. What happens if you change the decision you think you've made because of other things you've thought of?

I wish I could say that I was on some sort of mind-altering substance to make this post make more sense in the nonsensical way.

In other news, I want to see Alice and Wonderland this weekend.

Reset Button

I need a reset button.

I need a reset button for those nights when I get inexplicably angry at the clock for ticking too loud, or the time for passing too slow or too fast, or at my boyfriend for sitting too close to me when he has every right to do so.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel so wound up from comments that people have made that I want to punch something really hard.

I need a reset button for those times when I feel like listening to any sad, slow love song can turn me into a weeping baby as soon as it comes on.

I need a reset button for the times that I get so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but can't because that's too exhausting.

I need a reset button for the times that I drink too much because of something that happened earlier that day or because of my lack of control.

I need a reset button on the friendships that I've lost, papers that I've misplaced, feelings that I've hidden away.

I need a reset button on my sleeping schedule.

I need a reset button for those times when I became so blindingly mad at my parents or my brothers just for saying something that I didn't quite agree with, or not picking up on what I meant quickly enough.

I need a reset button for my emotions.

Wouldn't life be easier if you had a reset button?

In the spirit of the holidays...

So many people are in need of some extra love this holiday season. I have a few friends who have had some problems with family medical problems and self medical problems...I'm not one to pray, but I am definitely keeping all these people in my thoughts and wishing them well. I hope you'll do the same.

____________________________________________

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Family time...

I've been feeling a lot better about stuff recently. I think the trip to Reno really helped (did I mention I went on a spur of the moment trip to Reno a few weekends ago? No? Oh. Well, I did. It was awesome), even though right when I got back it didn't feel like it. Even though I lost a bunch of money, I still had an amazing time.

And I've been cooking! Well, baking. And cooking. Kind of. I learned how to make ravioli from a bag (purchased at costco, good for many meals!), as well as pumpkin spice white chocolate chip cookies. And tonight, I helped my mom make cranberry sauce. That was exciting.

It's my mom's first time making Thanksgiving dinner, so I offered to help...not just because she will need help (which I'm not sure if she actually will or not, but whatever) but because I'll get to learn how to make a bunch of stuff that I've never made before. Even though I'm making mashed potatoes and pumpkin spice white chocolate chip cookies. Which I've made. Anyway. Plus, it'll be bonding time. And my mom and I haven't really had cooking time together before.

Also, I made it to 23! My birthday was on Saturday, and that was fun. I went out to dinner with a couple friends, then went out to the bars. I didn't get too crazy (I only had 2 drinks the whole night!) but it was an enjoyable evening. And the people who were there all meshed well, which was nice. You always have to worry about that sort of thing when planning a gathering, I suppose. So I'm glad that the people who showed up were all meshable. (I don't care that meshable isn't a word. I'm using it.)

I'm excited for Thanksgiving though. I've gotta say, I never thought I'd be super excited about coming home, but this time I really was. I guess because I haven't really spent time with my sort of whole family since August when I had my surgery (is that right? August? Saw Mom in Vegas at the beginning of October, saw Daniel in New York in the middle of October...yep, August it was) so this will be nice.

Plus, I've already gotten two new pairs of jeans, so that's always something to look forward to!

I don't know where the effing pieces go...

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I feel like for the last couple of weeks (or months? maybe?) I've been in a funk 97% percent of the time. And the other 3% I'm sleeping. Maybe that's the problem? I'm only sleeping during three percent of my life. That can't be healthy.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this. It's not like my life is awful or anything. Sure, I have the occasional car or phone problem, and I'm not particularly exhilarated about my job, but at least I have a job. And in this economy, that's something. I know plenty of people who have been looking for jobs for months and still have yet to find one.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much of my life. But again, it's not bad. I have a roof over my head, I'm able to eat, I have a family that loves me, I have a boyfriend and friends who care about me, I have a job, I have clothes to keep me warm, I'm ALIVE...

Then what am I missing? Why do I feel like crying all the time?

The one where I try to learn how to cook...almost.

"Tomorrow is the day I learn how to cook."

These were the words I spoke to my roommate last night as I watched him make pasta and vegetables on the stove. It didn't look too hard - all he did was put some beef in a pan that turned brown all on it's own. Boiled some water and put the pasta in. Warmed up the pre-made sauce. Put some oil in the pan before he put the vegetables in, then pushed them around a little bit. I can do that!

I have a tendency to waste my food. I'll buy tons of microwave dinners, then decide I don't want to make them because I want to try something original. I've talked to friends, asking for easy recipes, which they all willingly give. I'll buy the supplies to make some sort of easy dish, but by the time I get around to cooking whatever it is, I've lost all motivation to actually make something from pseudo-scratch.

It isn't that I can't cook anything, because I've made food before. I make great mashed potatoes and chicken parmesan. I've even attempted eggplant parmesan, which I was told was good. (By my boyfriend, but that counts too, right? Plus, he's still alive and that was months ago, so it totally counts.)

I don't really know what it is about cooking that scares me so much. Maybe it's that I think I won't be able to cut things right? Or that the oven will burn me. The oven thing is a big one - I used to have to have my roommates take brownies out after I made them because of how scared I was of it. I think I've gotten a bit better about the oven thing though, but I'm not entirely certain, since...well, it's been awhile.

Anyway. I fully intended to start cooking stuff tonight. I was going to make something easy even - ravioli from costco that all you needed to do was boil some water, pour in some oil, and stir a little bit. But, that didn't happen. I had a meeting at 5 where they offered free food. Tomorrow night I'm going to a show, and I don't want to attempt to make food before that just in case something goes horribly wrong and I set my apartment on fire. (Which reminds me - I should probably get my roommate to plug the smoke detector back in...) Friday night I have an event, so I guess the next possible time for me to cook dinner would be Saturday. So, Saturday it is. I'll make the ravioli that I was planning to make tonight, and hope it turns out ok. And if you don't hear from me in awhile because I've burned down my apartment...it was nice knowing you.

What's the worst that could happen?

Today was Pat's memorial service. It was really nice to hear about his life, his philosophies, his ideas, etc. Mike seems to be handling everything pretty well. He is under the impression that Pat passed to bring everyone together, which is really sweet. For example, Mike had Kelsey introduce me to this guy named Adam who lives in New York because he's Jewish. Mike is hilarious in that way.

In Kelsey's eulogy (is it still a eulogy if it isn't at a funeral?) she talked about how she ended up moving to Chico. Well, Mike talked about it first, but it was more about how he and Pat moved here. Mike had the interview at the school, got the job, and Pat just said "let's go." Even though he had never seen Chico. Then Mike and Pat would call Kelsey and tell her how beautiful Chico was and how vegan friendly and whatnot. Finally, during one of her conversations with Pat, he said something along the lines of "what's the worst that can happen? You fail and you end up moving home. It's not the end of the world."

Recently, Kelsey and I had a conversation that went similarly about me moving to New York. As much as I love living here, I think I'm ready to get out. The only thing that has really been holding me back is money and fear. But like Pat says, what's the worst that can happen? I run out of money and end up moving back to California and in with my parents. But even that isn't the end of the world (regardless of how much I hate the valley). I don't know, living there the summer of 2008 just wasn't enough for me. I was there for three months, and I didn't even get close to seeing or doing everything. I didn't even make a dent!

So that's it. It's decided. I'm moving back to New York. And if I fail, it'll be ok. At least I'll have tried. And it's the right decision for now.

cupcakes

I don't know what it is, but the past couple of weeks I have really been craving cupcakes. Maybe its the fact that Jenn has been talking about how she keeps making them, but I've really wanted some.

I attempted to make a batch of cupcakes last month as dessert for dinner for Lee and me (I had made dinner and decided dessert should be thrown in there too - why not? Dessert = awesome.), but they came out not so great. I mean, they tasted fine, but they kind of looked like...mini volcanoes. Not entirely sure how that happened. It might have had something to do with the fact that I didn't have one of those mixer things that you're supposed to have when you make cake or cupcakes. (Seriously, clumps of butter on the whisk I attempted to use instead. Definitely not something I would recommend.)

I made cookies the other night, which were good, but didn't quite hit the spot. Now I'm definitely in the mood for cupcakes. Even though I'm not even close to being the tiniest bit hungry...

25....

I know I already did the list of 25 things a couple months ago (it was more than 25 and less numbered), but I am feeling a bit narcissistic and a little less creative. So here are 25 more things about me that I have yet to tell you.

1. Salty things make me sneeze. So does the sun.

2. If I am sent an email or tagged in a note on facebook, I look at the list of people that you contact and see where I fall in the list. On facebook its a little more random because its generated how you think of people, but I notice who you thought of before me and who you thought of after me.

3. I would love to take a long walk in the rain if I had no possessions on me. Even if its cold.

4. I love wearing dresses, but don't own any that I feel comfortable wearing to school. I also really like getting dressed up. I don't, however, like wearing heels, even though they make me closer to normal height.

5. I don't remember ever really being bothered by the fact that I am short.

6. I censor myself a lot. I don't like to speak up in class because I feel like everyone will think what I say is stupid or wrong, even if I know I have the right answer. I've lost a lot of participation points because of this.

7. I have never bonded with anyone as quickly as I bonded with Rachel while I was in New York. I miss her a lot.

8. If I get yelled at or snapped at by someone, I tend to sulk for awhile. Especially if it comes out of nowhere. When I was about 12 and at summer camp, I was looking through a song book for the words that the songleader was singing, and he stopped and took my music book away. I almost started crying. After he finished the song he gave me the book back. I also kind of put up a wall towards the person for a few days, and I don't know how to break it down.

9. I have always loved broccoli and mushrooms.

10. I have a horrible memory for things that actually matter (like school or things from my childhood), but I can remember where a book is on my bookshelf or what color the handles on the cabinets are in a house that I haven't seen in years.

11. I compulsively buy books even if I have ten that I haven't read yet. And I normally have about that many.

12. I don't feel like I open up to that many people, so when I get stressed out I tend to keep it to myself. Or if I do tell someone, I don't tell them everything, which just kind of makes it worse.

13. I have been thinking about moving to Chicago after I graduate, but I don't know when, since I want to travel first. I also might go teach English in Israel for a year, but that thought completely scares me.

14. I get jealous of people who are close with their extended families, because I don't feel like I am.

15. Talking on the phone makes me nervous, but I've been trying to get better. It's difficult though, because not many people like talking on the phone these days. We all mostly text message or email.

16. Sometimes I write things that I don't mean to be funny, but when someone else reads it they'll tell me its hilarious. And then I see that it is. Sometimes.

17. I watch way too many tv shows, but I don't think I can stop. I am too emotionally involved with a lot of them. Also, I sometimes cry while watching certain shows.

18. I used to be obsessed with glitter. I wore it on my eyes, in my hair, on my cheeks, everywhere. For my friend's birthday I wanted to get her a thing of glitter because I liked it so much, but my mom told me that she didn't think it was a good idea. After that I wore a lot less of it, but I still love it.

19. The only concerts I've been to are N*SYNC, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill Soul2Soul (all three nights it was in LA), Taylor Swift/LeeAnn Rimes, Panic! at the Disco/Fall Out Boy, and Jack's Mannequin.

20. I slept with a nightlight and my door open until I left for college. Now when I go home, my room has to be completely dark and my doors (room and closet) have to be closed or I can't fall asleep. I also keep my room pretty dark when I'm at school, except for when I'm so tired that I fall asleep with my light on.

21. I like to try and make people feel better, even if I am not feeling that great myself. I also have a hard time not helping people when they ask, unless I absolutely can't. I also tend to buy things for people, even when I don't really have the money to. When I was in high school my mom thought I was trying to buy my friends. I guess I kind of was.

22. I don't typically like nuts, but I love eating honey roasted peanuts and peanut m&ms.

23. Seeing me hyper and seeing me drunk are usually the same experience, minus the alcohol, but I don't think I get hyper that often anymore.

24. I really like surprises, but I always find out about them beforehand. Much less surprise-like if you know about it. My fourth grade birthday party was a surprise, ruined by my best friend, and my 19th birthday party was a surprise, ruined by a text message.

25. For my 21st birthday, my brother gave me a "make your own umbrella kit" box with a Polyphonic Spree cd inside. I thought the make your own umbrella kit was the present, and I was actually really excited. My brother told me normal people don't get excited over stuff like that. I'm not normal. That's also exciting.

Music is what feelings sound like. - Author Unknown

"I had to let you go. I had to say goodbye. No more excuses. No more tears to cry."

"I won't write you a love song 'cause you asked for it. 'Cause you need one. You see?"

"Sing us a song, you're the piano man."

"Maybe it's intuition but some things you just don't question. Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant, and there it goes. I think I've found my best friend."

"And I wonder if I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight."

Music is so personal. You can search through millions of songs and hear exactly what you're going through, or something extremely close that hits home. Or you don't even have to find lyrics that match what you're thinking, but you can hear a melody that strikes a chord in your brain.

But music can also change the mood that you're in. People listen to music when they're trying to get pumped up for an evening out on the town, or when they're going to the gym to get motivated, or to get over a breakup. All the different songs can alter how you're feeling and change what the night will look like. Listening to a few depressing songs before you go out with friends could make the going out part seem less enticing and getting into pj's and eating ice cream a much more appealing option.

I've been sitting in my bed for a few hours now listening to whatever Pandora is sending my way all on the suggestion of the song "Hollywood's Not America" by Ferras. It's been playing Billy Joel, Ben Folds, Death Cab for Cutie, Sara Bareilles...all people that have upbeat songs. And yet, the songs that have been playing have kind of made me feel the need to get into my pajamas and never get out of them. Luckily, I have no real reason to be depressed at the moment, so I'm not actually planning on doing that, but its interesting to see how much a song can influence your brain. Or my brain, anyway.

I really like that though. I like that I can change my mood just by changing my playlist. All I have to do is listen to "Out Tonight" from Rent or "I Will Survive" or "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and I feel ready for a night out. I just need to turn up the sound of a few upbeat tunes, and I'm ready to go. At the same time, if I'm looking for a mellow night, I just need to listen to "Begin" by Ben Lee, or some Savage Garden (because...PLEASE, most of their songs are mellow/sad) and I'm content. If I'm sad I can just put on some "What Hurts the Most" by Rascall Flats or "White Horse" by Taylor Swift, or "Leave The Pieces" by the Wreckers (or any country song!) and I can dwell in my sadness for as long as I need to.

Music is so mind stimulating. So...thanks songwriters. Keep it up.

Only one day at time...if only...

So, its the new year. We've been in 2009 for six whole days, but I can already feel things changing. The new year always brings new hopes, dreams, desires, fantasies...and fears. When it comes to me, its mostly fears.

I'm always so afraid to look too far in the future, but end up doing it anyway. I try to make plans three months in advance, or even a year in advance, but somehow things always end up changing and I get upset. I'm most terrified of looking too far into this semester, because I'm worried something will end up happening and my life will turn sour.

Things are so good for me right now: I have some really great friends, a boyfriend who loves me, a new semester of fresh classes, and a whole bunch of opportunities that have just opened up to me. But I have this nagging feelings that something awful is just around the corner.

I have reasons for this. Things always change just when I start getting comfortable.

But this year I'm extra nervous for an entirely different reason. I'm graduating. I'm going to be going out into the real world, with real people, and (maybe) getting a job. I'm jumping out of this safety net of college, where meeting people is (supposedly) easy, and you can hardly keep track of the number of parties you go to, and things are readily available to you. Once you're out, who knows if you have the same kind of luxuries?

I went home for Hannukah and New Years, and that was hard. Not only did I realize that I really don't want to move back there, but I had to constantly think about what was coming up next for me. People kept asking what I'm going to do once I get out. "What can you do with a musical theatre degree? Be a waitress?" Or they'd ask what the boyfriend and I are going to do. And I honestly have no idea. Who knows if its even going to last that long?

Ugh, see what I mean? I'm so...pessimistic about the future. I wish I knew how to take life one day at a time. Because there are so many good things too. I still have a good 3 and a half months before I graduate. I still have time to hang out with all the people I've made friends with these past four years (and especially these last few semesters). I still have time to learn so many things. I still have time to find out more about myself while in college. I still have time to pull all nighters for fun.

I still have time to do so much, and yet...the fear still lingers.

Hello, Lacuna?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is probably one of my favorite movies.

Keeping that in mind, what would you do if you found out you could erase someone? Would you do it? Is there someone who you would just completely erase from your memory forever?

I've thought about this before. In high school, there were a few people who really affected my life and changed the way I thought about a lot of things.

For starters, there was Shaun. Shaun and I met freshman year, in a math class. He was sitting next to a guy named Robby, who my friend liked. I also kind of liked Robby, but decided to let my friend go for him instead, and set my sights on Shaun, even though I had absolutely no interest in him. About two weeks into class, I wrote him a note that said "Hey, I'm going to pretend to like you. Sorry for everything that is about to happen." He responded with a long response of "uh, ok." We also had drama together. The first day of class we had to tell a few things about ourselves, so he started talking about how he liked water. Our teacher asked what kind of water, so he started naming off all sorts of things like rivers, lakes, ponds, etc. The bell was going to ring about a minute into what he was talking about, so I said "just keep rambling, the bell is going to ring soon." So he did, and then he thanked me after class. A few weeks after that, we had become friends. We had a lot of classes together, so we ended up spending most of our time in each other's company. Through spending time with him, I got to know him and other things about him...like the fact that he had a girlfriend. As is often the case, because we had been spending so much time together I actually had started to like him in the "more than friends" kind of way. We spent a lot of time together talking, and during class we'd write notes back and forth (all of which I believe I still have in my closet at my parents house...). We had this great friendship going, but it wasn't going anywhere. We started having a secret code in our notes and making mixed cds for each other, and having really late night conversations on the phone. Eventually he started talking about breaking up with his girlfriend to go out with me. I was excited at this prospect, because I really liked him, but as it turned out...he wasn't going to break up with her. (So the story usually goes.) After I found out that he wasn't serious, we started drifting apart. He started hanging out with other people, and I hung out in the drama room with people that I had made friends with. Halfway through sophomore year he transferred schools to be with his girlfriend. I only saw him once after that, when he came back a year and a half later to pick up his new girlfriend. A junior girl in my drama class. It was weird seeing him after all that time.

I wonder if I would get the guts to be able to erase him from my memory. He was a big part of my life for awhile, and he got me into some great music. It was hard not talking to him though. We were best friends for awhile, and he helped get me through some tough things. We even performed a scene together at a DTASC festival. Sometimes it's nice to have those memories.

Someone that I really wouldn't mind erasing from my mind is the professor. I keep thinking that he's a good guy, that I really like being friends with him, but then I see his ulterior motives and I can't help but wonder what made me attracted to that. Granted, he's Jewish and he's smart, but still. He's an elitist jerk who hates musicals. He came to see Bernarda Alba because I asked him to, but he made me buy the tickets and walk them over to his office instead of buying them himself. He plays piano, but he barely plays requests. He tries to seem nice, but instead ends up sounding sleazy. He IS sleazy. He has been trying for a few years now to get into my pants. When I told him that I had a boyfriend, he said "oh, so I guess that means no chance of that dinner, huh?" Seriously. And because of the cycle that I keep going through (talking to him, not talking to him, talking to him, not talking to him), my brain keeps going on a cycle (stupid, smart, stupid, smart) which really takes a toll on my thoughts. I think that erasing him from my memory would be a smart move. Or if I had never met him...my life probably would have been much easier.

Too bad Lacuna, Inc. doesn't really exist...

awesomeness coming up next...

A lot of exciting things are coming up pretty soon. First off, we have Bernarda Alba, which opens on Wednesday. It seems to be coming together really well, which is awesome. We finally got our costumes today, which look really cool under all the lights and everything. The whole show seems like it's going to be really great. It'll be interesting to hear what people think about the show after they see it.

Coming up after that is my birthday! My birthday party is also going to be really fun, I hope. I themed it "childhood". I hope that it ends up being fun, and not crazy/ridiculous. There have only been a few birthdays that I've really enjoyed. I hope this year ends up being one of those.

After my birthday is thanksgiving, which will be pretty sweet. My family is having a pseudo reunion in Oakland. Well, my mom's side of the family is having one. I'm excited because there are going to be a lot of family members there that I haven't seen in awhile. It'll be super fun. And Joel (my favorite boy cousin) told me that he's going to take me out to celebrate my birthday, which will be really fun. He's a bartender, so he'll be able to pick some really tasty drinks for me.

In other news, things with the boyfriend are going well. It'll be two months on Friday. Exciting, yes? Yes. He's going to be meeting my family this weekend when they come up for the show. It's cute, he's really nervous about meeting them. I think he'll be fine though, my family isn't that scary. Sometimes they're mean (to me), but other than that, he'll be ok. I think a few of my other friends will be coming to brunch with my family too, so hopefully he'll be less nervous.

Ok...I think that's about it right now.

Foreshadowing for next post: what would you do if you could erase someone from your memory/life?

Peter Panism

A few years ago, I took a Magic, Witchcraft, and Religion class at school. The class was pretty interesting for the most part, and we had an awesome teacher. For our final, she assigned a paper in which we had to create our own religion. I asked if we could write in narrative form, and she said yes.

Tonight, I was looking through my e-mail account, and I found this paper. I hadn't updated in awhile, so I thought I'd share this now. The writing isn't the best, but I still find the concept of it interesting. Enjoy!
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On a Sunday morning at the Giving Tree of Lost Boys, a small group of children gather. Their teacher, Miss Bellevue, brought them to order with a slight tap of her wand on the side of the Giving Tree. All the little children came to attention and sat patiently, waiting for her to speak.

"Class, today we're going to learn about where we came from, and why things are the way they are," said Miss Bellevue. "I'm going to tell you about Peter Pan and the story of how he created Panism, our most beloved religion. Panism is a polytheistic religion, children. Does anyone know what that means?” The children all gave her blank stares. “Well,” she went on to explain, “What that means is that we have more than one god in which we celebrate. We actually have two. The first is Peter Pan, the creator of Panism. The second is Tinkerbell, our Goddess of creation. She created all that you see and many things that you don't. But she couldn't do it all herself, so she enlisted the help of Peter who organized simple rules to which to live by."

Miss Bellevue went on to explain the details of Panism. "The rules that we live by are simple:

Be happy at all times…

Never grow up…

Always help others smaller than yourself…

Raise yourself up to a higher position… that which can only be done once you've completed the other steps and you finally believe in yourself and true happiness. Then and only then will you be able to fly to Neverland. There is a legend about all of this, told by Peter himself many moons ago. When Tinkerbell first started the long task of creating Neverland she made it the most beautiful place ever, full of vibrant colors. She wanted clear skies, blue oceans and the greenest grasses. She, in essence, was making our heaven. When someone passes away who has been following Panism to the best of their ability and has been living a “good” life on Earth, they come here, to Neverland. It doesn’t matter what race or gender they are: if they believe in the laws of Panism, they are more than welcome. Once they arrive here, they turn back into their former childhood age in which they were the happiest. As you can tell, I was happiest at the age of 14. When you are reincarnated into your younger self, you are given an age in the range of 3 to 15. No older, no younger, so we can keep with the theme of childhood. As many of you may recall, you play with toys when you are younger. When you come to Neverland, you get to bring your favorite toy with you to remember that you are a child and to always have fun. This makes sure that you have something to play with at all times, and you will always be happy."

Billy, a small 7-year-old boy raised his hand from the front of the group. "Miss Bellevue… If all the good people come to Neverland, what happens to all the bad people who didn't believe that die? Do they come to Neverland too?"

"That's a very good question Billy," She answered, "When a person dies on Earth, if they have been good and have reached all the goals set by Peter himself, they come to Neverland. If you don't do all these things, and you've been a bad person, you're sent to Pirate Island where Captain Hook is the master. You see, when Tinkerbell created all of this good, a bit of evil was created. Since there must be a balance, good will always have evil in the shadows. That is why there is Pirate Island, to keep the evil people away from the good.”

“How do people get into Neverland?” asked Jamie. “Is there something that they have to do to show that they truly believe in Panism before they can get in?”

“Good question, Jamie!” said Miss Bellevue. “There is something called a Rite of Passage that people need to do before they can enter into Neverland. It is a very hard thing to do, but it is actually quite possible. When the time comes to show that you are finally ready to prove your full belief and devotion to Panism and that you are truly happy, you begin to fly for the first time. Once you have learned to fly, you're on your way to Neverland! With all of your goals complete, you will be guaranteed entrance to Neverland. For those who lived bad lives, or those who aren't happy, and who don't believe in the rules of Panism, they are incapable of flight and are taken to Pirate Island and left to fend for themselves on Captain Hooks pirate ship.”

"Now children, as you know I am your teacher. All of the teachers are hand-picked by Peter Pan himself to be his religious specialists. We are in charge of helping to keep the wisdom of Panism alive and strong in the world today, and to, of course, answer and aid any of you with your questions. The other religious specialists that help heal you are the Indians. Tiger Lily and her father are the head religious specialists over here on Neverland. They make sure that the children are always healthy, and if any issues arise, they help settle them by using their special drugs and potions. They also help to make sure that as followers of Panism, we help one another whenever possible. We live in a very basic society, mainly based on a tribal belief system. Can anyone tell me what that means?” Again, she was met with blank stares. “A tribal belief system means that we are just a singular family style group. We all co-exist and strive to be united with other bands of families throughout Neverland. Each region of Neverland has it's own family and each family is part of an even larger family with strong communal and social bonds."

"Miss Bellevue, are there any celebrations or holidays? Like Christmas? Does Santa come here? Does Santa go to Pirate Island ?" Jill asked from the middle of the group, her blue eyes shining with anticipation.

"Why, yes, Jill, there are holidays. Each year we have an annual holiday celebration called a Harvest. During this time all the tribes of Neverland and even Pirate Island come together at Peter Pan’s court and celebrate the creation of Neverland. Because this is such a big holiday, everyone on Neverland and Pirate Island put aside their differences and get together to celebrate. This is the point in time when our imaginations are put to the test. You, as a participant, have to come up with the food that we are eating. We eat all the best foods imaginable, and even foods that aren't imaginable! We dance the best dances to the very best music ever created. We play the very best games ever to come to fruition."

"What kind of games?" asked Jake, a curious ten year old. "Are there competitions too?"

"Oh, yes, of course all the best players from each region compete in the biggest game we have. It's called Extreme Coaster!" All the children smiled at the sound of such a game. "In Extreme Coaster, the competitors each have to race through a giant obstacle course that goes throughout the entire island. Can you imagine that? First, you skate around half of the island on a skateboard or a scooter, depending on your vehicle of choice. Once you get to the Indian campgrounds, you have to do a short dance that they will teach you. After you finish that, you come back to the amphitheatre, where you have to fly to the highest tree in Neverland and back. And as if this was not hard enough? If you finish first of everyone, you have to solve a very hard riddle! If you win, you get to be Peter’s helpers for a day, which is one of the highest honors possible."

The children looked amazed. A big celebration with skateboarding, dancing, and flying? How could you ask for anything more? This great Harvest was the single best thing they'd ever heard of and couldn't dream of what it would be like to celebrate it with all their fellow lost boys.

"That sounds like incredible fun Miss Bellevue. But, when we're not at the Harvest do we worship Peter together like we are now?" asked a curious young boy.

"All Peter asks is that you keep living a good life and abide by the simple rules he's set. If you feel that you must give thanks to him you can do it individually by playing with your toy, or you can get together in a group of children and play together as we are now. Another way is if you help someone smaller than you do something that they need help with. He does not ask for your thanks or prayers. Your acts of kindness to each other are enough for him." She replied. "Ok, kids. Time for cookies!"

As the class ran to get the cookies, Miss Bellevue smile to herself. "Not bad for my first time teaching!" She thought.

"Miss Bellevue?" A little girl was tugging on Miss Bellevue skirt.

"Yes, Marissa?" said Miss Bellevue.

"I can't wait to get to Neverland."