So tired.

I am so so so tired. Last night I went to bed at 1:30, but woke up around 2:30 with an awful stomachache. Awful. And I couldn't take a tylenol pm by that point because last time I did that at 2:30 I slept til noon, even though I had to work. So I was forced to suffer through it. I couldn't fall back asleep at all. It was ridiculous. I kind of felt like opening my brother's window and tossing myself into the park. Less pain.

Anyway, Beth and Erik are staying with me now until they leave tomorrow. I think the plan tonight is to go to the Wonderful World of Disney, then to Spotlight and get completely trashed and sing like we're amazing. Which we are! Musical theatre people can sing, so...there's that. I'm not conceited, I swear. No really. Erik is a little, but we love him anyway.

I can't believe this is my last week at one of my two internships. That means that I'm not here for very much longer. I leave on the 18th, and it's the 30th now. Wow. That's so soon! I can't believe how fast the time flew while I was here.

I feel like I've gotten a lot of what I wanted to done since I've been here, so that's good. I wish I wasn't as apathetic towards museums and stuff though, because if people ask me if I went there, I have to say no. And then they give me this look like "you are so uncultured. What a loser!" and there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm not uncultured, I just don't really care for museums. I like hands on whatnot. So like...the California Science Center is cool. (I went to prom there my junior year with my friend Chris, and it was AWESOME.) But I'd rather be actually doing something than trying to figure out what some artist's brush strokes were trying to convey. I like pictures. Yeah. But anyway, I've seen a bunch of shows, which I've wanted to see. I've stayed up til 6am with friends, and gone to a few parties, gone to the Empire State Building and Statue of Liberty, hung out at a few bars, met a lot of people...done a lot of stuff.

I feel like this trip has given me a lot of insight into myself too, but I'll save that for later, after I actually leave NY. Then I can truly reflect.

I wrote some more lyrics two nights ago. I don't know if I've mentioned that I write songs. I've written two songs so far. Woo. I want to learn how to play guitar. That'd be cool. Or piano. Then I could accompany myself! But I don't know how to play either. Sad day.

Ok, this post is stupid enough, so I'm going to get back to work. Slash looking at other people's blogs.

But before I go....any suggestions for things I should in my last two weeks in New York???

Stay

So the song Stay by Sugarland was first on my playlist this morning on Pandora.

This song is fantastic, don't get me wrong, but...
it's about the other woman's point of view.

Screw the guy for cheating in the first place, right? Or something.

Here's the video. What do you think?

Fortune cookies tell awesome fortunes

Last night, Beth and I were having a girls night (leaving Erik to his own devices) and decided to order Chinese food. As we were watching High School Musical: Get in the Picture, our food arrived, which we dug in to quite quickly. After we were done eating, we opened our fortunes. I don't remember what hers said (last night was a long time ago, give me a break!), but mine was quite profound. Mine said:

"You don't have to change friends if you understand that friends change."

Wow, right?

It definitely makes me reflect on stuff that has happened in the past few years with people who I was/am friends with.

My 20th and 21st birthday years have both been so different. As I've said before, a few weeks before I turned 20 I stopped drinking, then when I turned 21, I started again. A lot of things happened right after I turned 21. At my birthday party, (which I had planned for myself because I wanted to celebrate with my friends, but ended up being sick with a cold during after I got back from my vegas birthday trip...more on that later) I was forced to drink by my friends, EVEN THOUGH I was not feeling well. Ok, maybe not forced, but I felt like if I was having this party so that people could drink with me to celebrate my "return to the drinking world," I should be drinking. So I did, and that was fun, and my friends were fans of the fact that I could drink again (as one of my rudest friends said when I had stopped: "I liked it better when you were drinking").

But things weren't all fine and dandy for long.

Things that led to the demise of my friendships with people I thought were my friends:
-I went on a cruise in December with my family, where I had a cruisefling with the pianist on the ship. My friends didn't like that I talked a lot about it when I came back.

-I started going out to the bars, mainly with Michelle, who was 24. My friends didn't like that I was hanging out with other people or that I was "drinking all the time to get drunk".

-I text message a lot. Most of the time when we were hanging out it was late at night, and that was the only time my cousin could text me. So, I ended up texting him a lot while my friends and I were hanging out. Not such a good idea.

-My face's natural expression is not happy. So a lot of the time I don't look like I'm having a good time. It's annoying, but I'm not going to smile 24/7 just to make YOU happy. I'll smile if I want to.

-My ability to pick the WRONG people to like.

Over winter break, my friends and I grew apart due to all these things above, not to mention that I was co-stage managing a show at a community theater that had rehearsal pretty much every night.

When spring semester started, I thought we would be going back to normal patterns of hanging out, but it didn't happen. A party that was supposed to be at my place was moved to a neighbor's place - no one told me about the change until most people had gone home. I heard about movie events, parties, game nights after the fact. I couldn't believe it: I was being phased out. I went to one of my friends of the group that I had helped bring together to find out what was happening, and she told me all of those things above had contributed, plus a few others.

Another girl from the group asked me if I still wanted to be friends with them. I couldn't believe she had asked me that. Of course I wanted to be friends with them. I didn't have many other people to hang out with since I had been hanging out with them almost EVERY NIGHT for a year and a half. Just because I was going out to the bars with people who were of age (which most of them were not) did NOT mean I didn't want to hang out with them!

But I had changed. They had changed their views. They didn't like that I was drinking all the time (which, for the record, I wasn't.). Wait, what? Yeah. Now that I was drinking again, they didn't like it. How does that make sense? Oh, right. It doesn't.

Basically, I can't go into this anymore. It's a sucky feeling. But essentially, the fortune is true.

To quote Rockapella: People change. Everyday.
(I thought there were more words to that song that fit this situation, but I guess not. Oh well!)
People change, and when they don't change together it makes it difficult. So how to fix that?

Anyway, I guess the point of this is that the fortune cookie fortune was something good to remember. You don't have to change friends if you understand that friends change.

It happens.

Oh my god, oh my god you guys

This week has been a week full of shows, which I have to say is pretty awesome.
Monday was [title of show]. Wednesday was August: Osage County. And tonight was Boeing, Boeing (which was awesome. I got to meet Christine Baranski and Bradley Whitford and the rest of the cast. And the show was hilarious. Physical comedy at it's finest! More on the shows later though).

Later today (Saturday) I'll be seeing Legally Blonde the musical. With Bailey Hanks. Woo, how exciting.

This week has taken a lot out of me though. I keep going to bed really late (like tonight) and then my sleep schedule gets all screwy.

But I finally got my laundry taken in today! So that was a big girl move.

I'm not a fan of talking on the phone (even to people I LIKE talking to), so this was a big deal. I called the laundry people, then told them my information, and they came to pick up my laundry! And then I realized that they only had my clothes and my card number and my address, yet no phone number or name. They could have stolen my clothes! I mean, I guess not really. But whatever. Anyway, they picked up my clothes and now they have all my information, and I'm going to have them deliver it tomorrow. Since I was out getting tickets for Boeing, Boeing when they told me it was finally done tonight.

I'm sorry these posts have gotten a tad mundane. I'll be more interesting soon, I promise...

It's been really cool having Erik here after all. He brought his friend Beth with him who is really really nice. She actually knows a lot of the same people that I know, which is cool. It means we get to talk about people. Plus, we get along really well so we've been ragging on Erik the whole time. It's really fun. And he just takes the abuse! We keep telling him to fight back because then it would be witty banter, but he just refuses. It's fun. But more on the two of them later. I have to go to bed so I can be up early to get my laundry back and go see Legally Blonde!

Goodnight!

Too many thoughts are running through this head of mine

I've started and deleted four entries in the past 20 minutes. None of them seemed interesting enough, so I'll just summarize them all here:

1. Last night I was terrified that someone broke into my brother's apartment somehow because I heard a loud bang in the living room. However, when I went to check (which I HAD to because my cousin made me) nothing was out of place...fricken weird.

2. My friend Erik (from the same theatre group as The Director) is in town and we're going to see August: Osage County tonight! I'm excited. I hope he doesn't get all flirty and weird like he normally does. But, since that's how he normally acts...He probably will. I'm excited to see him though, it's been a long time.

3. In Jane Green's novel, Swapping Lives, married men and women seem to not have opposite sex relationships with non-married men and women. I'm not married, so I don't know.
But it kind of seems true. I don't think either of my parents have relationships with non-married couples, nor would they go to lunch with one of their friend's opposite counterparts. I'm not quite sure though. Hmmmmmmm. Questions, questions.

4. I've recently discovered Pandora.com and I LOVE it. I typed in Ferras and now I get to listen to all sorts of awesome people like Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Bareilles, Ben Folds, The Afters, The Weepies, etc etc etc. AWESOME!


and now I'm off to see August: Osage County!

Die, Vampires, Die!

I saw [title of show] tonight. Since I didn't have work at the theatre that I normally have work at on Monday nights, I went by myself to get tickets. When I went in, the guy selling tickets told me about the lottery that they have, which had tickets that were the same price as back row in the balcony, but the seats are in the front row. The only catch was that the lottery wasn't for another hour.

When the time finally came to get in line for the lottery, I noticed a girl who had been sitting by herself in Starbucks (which is where I had gone to pass the time). I went up to her and asked if she was seeing the show by herself, and she said yes, so to increase our chances of getting tickets I asked if she would put down two and I could put down two, and she agreed that it was a good idea. Since we still had half an hour to wait for the names to be pulled, we started talking, and it turns out that she had the same major as me, just at a different school. She was in NY for the summer (like me), but taking a 6 week acting class.

Normally I feel like I have a handle on my insecurities, but tonight I feel like I really failed at keeping them in check. I mean, it's probably because most of the time I just try not to think about the fact that there are millions of girls who look like me but are thinner, who sing like me but better or with more control, who act like me but better...who are a better version of me. But when I was there, talking to this girl who was a musical theatre major who still had two years left who was taking acting classes in New York, who had been to 12 or 13 shows and was able to critique them, who already knew that she wanted to go to London next summer to study at the Royal Academy, who had more knowledge than me...I started doubting myself more and more. There is so much I don't know, so much I'm scared of, so many things that I think I'm not good at...Things that I need to improve on or I'll never make it anywhere. As it is there are only a few people who actually make it on Broadway or that are well known - who's to say I'm even going to come CLOSE to that?

When I see shows that have characters that question themselves and eachother, like [title of show] did, it brings up questions in me.

At school, you get out of it what you put in, but if you don't know how to put more in, how can you get everything you need out of it? I'm the kind of person that needs my ass to be kicked so I can learn what I need to know, but I'm scared. I'm scared of so many things...but I don't know how to get over it.

What if I'm never ready to perform on Broadway? What if I'm never good enough? What if...ugh. Damn those stupid "what if" questions.

In [tos] they have a song called "Die, Vampires, Die" which is all about killing off the insecurities and self-doubt. So I'm going to try to do that, but....ugh. It's hard, ya know?

Right When it was Starting to Feel Real...

I keep wanting to post something of substance, but Passing Strange is clouding my mind. How ridiculous is that?

When I came to NY before I went to Israel over spring break, Daniel (my older brother) had to go to work. I was staying with him for the three days before I left on my trip, so while he was at work, I wandered around the city a bit. He was living on the Upper West Side, so I just wandered straight down to Times Square and looked around there a bit. Because I didn't really have any particular place in mind, I just sort of walked around in circles looking for something that might be fun to do. Somehow, I kept walking on 44th between Broadway and 8th Ave, and I saw the sign for Passing Strange. I had no idea what that show was, so I kept walking, not even stopping to glance at the poster or signs that were around it. Around 5, Daniel called me and we went to TKTS to see if we could get tickets for anything that night. He told me to choose two shows, just in case one was sold out. My first choice was Spring Awakening, and then I picked one at random, and it was Passing Strange. Spring Awakening was sold out, so we got tickets for Passing Strange.

We went to dinner at this place called Mars 2112 (a weird alien restaurant across the street from Mamma Mia), which was interesting. During dinner, Daniel and I talked about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life regarding theatre or a cruise line or whatever I thought I wanted to do, so I kind of had that in the forefront of my mind when we went into the show. We ate dinner quickly, then headed over to the theatre.

When we first got into the theatre I didn't really know what to expect (since I hadn't heard of the show), and they were playing this really weird music that sounded like it was badly recorded. It wasn't music that I recognized, but it seemed kind of "olde tyme" or however you spell that. The show started off with Stew (the narrator) starting the story with the rock and roll kind of vibe, and it was very cool. The show continued, chronicling Stew's life through other actors. The whole story just really got to me, and made me think. It was about Stew's life and his attempt to write songs and music and whatnot.

I think one of the things that got to me the most was towards the end. Stew was talking about how after one of the free previews, his friend (who has a pretzel stand down in the East Village) told him that the thing that the Youth was looking for in the play, the "Real" only exists in art. And that really got to me. Of course he lightens the moment immediately with a "damn pretzel man. You're [deep]*" but it was enough to set me off crying immediately. It was just so...sad? Profound. I don't even know. The whole show just made me think about everything. I don't even know how to explain it really.

Anyway, while I've been back in NY, I've seen the show twice. (Unfortunately it closed today, otherwise there's a good possiblity I would have seen it at least once before I leave next month.) The second time I saw it, I was with Rachel and Daniel, which I've already briefly talked about.

The last time I saw it was Saturday at 2pm. Spike Lee filmed it. I think I cried through the entire thing. It just really made me...feel. Wow, I sound so lame, but it's really true. It made me think about my life, and how I'm always searching for something to make me understand more about my life, but it's just out of reach. I don't know if I'm even making sense.

I'm really glad that I was able to see this show as many times as I did, even if it doesn't make sense to you. The show is just so poetic and fun and amazing and...yeah. I hope when it comes out on DVD or on TV or whatever form Spike Lee decides to release it in that you watch it. At least listen to the music.

Some of my favorite quotes:
"Everything's alright"
"Only love is real"
"Love is more than real"
"Right when it was starting to feel real"
"Is it alright?"
"If I was any more real, I'd be fiction!"
"Don't be sad about your chosen path/and where it's taken you thus far./'Cause that is what you did, and this is who you are. And it's alright."
"Come down now/remove your mask see/all you've got to do is ask me/I'll give you all the love life allows."
"My love is more real than all your dreams."
"I've been thinking about leaving my fingerprints on your being."
"Life is a movie too/starring you/you're whole family's the cast and crew./that's a little secret between god and you."

It makes more sense if you're listening to it. I urge you to buy the soundtrack because it has the liner notes and all the lyrics and helps you understand who's singing so you can follow the story a bit better. I love everything between Youth and Desi. And everything with the mother. Really, everything is good. If you go to the website you can listen to a few of the songs. Check it out. Seriously.

And now I'm off to bed with the soundtrack playing in the background.


*I can't remember the right words right now, but that's the general gist.

What's inside is just a lie...

I bought the Passing Strange soundtrack yesterday. That show is amazing, it's really too bad that it's closing on Sunday. I would willingly see it at least once a week for the rest of my life if I could. Well, maybe not that much, but it's amazing. I highly recommend you check it out.

I love the nights when I stay out until 5 or 6am. The world is so...quiet then. Or something. I don't know.

Last night I saw Dark Knight, and I thought it was fantastic. I don't remember much of the first one, but last night...the movie was really great. Heath Ledger was fantastic. I stopped paying attention to the fact that he was Heath Ledger and just thought of him as the joker, which was really creepy. The whole thing was...just...yeah.

Daniel (my older brother) is leaving for Israel on Sunday. I hope he has a great time. I went to Israel my freshman year of college and then again over winter break. Both experiences were really different, but they were both fantastic trips.

My mind is sort of all over the place right now, so I think I'm just going to keep listening to my Passing Strange soundtrack.

"Only love is real." - Passing Strange

"Red!... Purple!...Grey! Marco?...Guys?"

I was running an errand to Staples today when I passed a store selling rafts for the pool. And it brought me back...

Remember the days when you would be in the pool for hours with friends, playing "colors" or "Marco Polo" or "mermaid" or whatever? It's been such a long time since I've gone swimming in a pool just for fun, or with friends. Or been in a pool in general. I used to go swimming all the time in elementary school and middle school during the summer because I would be at camp, where the main activity was being in the pool.

I always loved swimming. The whole idea of it was so fun. I used to play "colors" with my friend Aly all the time. She was a girl that I had known since we were about 3, when her family moved in around the corner. Her brother, who is the same age as my older brother, used to ride around the block on his bike and saw my family, and so Adam (her brother) became friends with Daniel (my brother) and then so I wouldn't bother them while they'd play, he brought Aly over. (Lewis kind of got screwed out of that deal since Aly and Adam were part of a two-child family.) Aly and I would play all sorts of games, and make up all sorts of stories, and our families got very close...

As we got older we were allowed to go swimming in the pool for longer periods of time, and we would play "Colors". And we always cheated at it. The person on the diving board would name off colors, and we would always make sure to wait as long as we possibly could to get to our color. My colors, which I would always pick at the very beginning to be pink and purple, would somehow change to silver or turquoise or orange or whatever color she hadn't called. Our colors would always change so that the person who was calling the colors would have to stay out of the pool. Eventually the caller would just jump in and tag someone else anyway, and the game would continue.

But that game was so fun! I wish I could play "Colors" again. I have no pool right now though. I should find one. Because that'd be awesome.

I just don't know.

I feel like some days I'm a better friend than others.

About a month ago, something tragic happened within my non-blood related family. Because of it, I started talking to a girl that I hadn't willingly talked to in about 4 years. Our families are still close, but the two of us had drifted apart because of some unfortunate incidents back in high school.

The tragedy last month was not the only thing that had happened that was bad between the time our friendship disintegrated and now. My mom had told me stories about what was going on in her life, and most of it were things that you would not want to hear. To me, it didn't matter. She was someone distant, someone that I didn't particularly care about anymore. I stayed silent. I never called her, or talked to her, or felt it necessary to reconnect. She had hurt me, I had (maybe) hurt her, I didn't want her back in my life.

But when this happened last month, I felt that I had to do something. I was going to call her, but I couldn't dial the phone. I didn't know how to approach her. A few days passed, and I still hadn't called her or sent her an e-mail, not even a text. I kept meaning to, but I put it off and didn't know how to go about doing it the right way.

The next weekend, I went out to a bar with a friend and got drunk. At 4am, I got a text message from the girl that I kept meaning to talk to. All it said was "Hi." And that's all it took. The next day, I saw her online on facebook, and talked to her for a little bit. I didn't know how to help her, so I asked, and she told me that talking to her was good enough. She just needed someone to talk to. We talked for a little bit that night, sharing stories and memories, just for a little while. I was glad that I was able to help her.

A few nights ago, I saw her online again, and sent her an IM, checking to make sure she was ok. She said that really meant a lot to her.

I don't know what to make of this whole situation. I'm still not sure if I want to have her as someone who is a staple in my life because of our history, but at the same time...we have such a history...


I just don't know.

High School Musical 3

Ok, I just saw this preview and I am SO EXCITED. I'm also an eight year old. Whatever. I'm totally going to the midnight showing.





I know it's awful, but I just love it so much. I can't help it. I watched the second one when it premiered on tv with a bunch of my friends and it was awesome. Eek! I'm so excited.


That's all I have to say for right now. Not enough words in my vocabulary to express my excitement, so I'll go away for now.

We are family...

I had brunch with my cousin (David) and my brother (Daniel) today. It was really interesting. I'm not a big talker, but I feel like I contributed to the conversation a bit.

The last time I hung out with my cousin was probably in December, when my family and my dad's brother's family and my grandparents on my dad's side all went on a cruise together to celebrate my grandparent's 60th anniversary and my grandma's 80th birthday. My grandparents are the cutest people ever, by the way. They'll have been married 61 years next month, and they still act like two teenagers. They are SO cute. It's ridiculous. If I end up half as happy as them I'll consider myself very lucky. (Yes, I might have stolen a quote from Friends for that, but whatever. It's totally true.)

Anyway, the cruise was the first time the whole group of us had been together as a unit for a really long time since probably my younger brother's bar mitzvah. So it was really nice for us to all connect again, this time with us all being a bit older (David turned 30 this year, Rebecca [David's sister] is 27, Daniel is 24, I'm 21, and my younger brother Lewis is 18). It made it so we could have seemingly adult conversations. It was a very different experience, having all of us sit at a "kids table" together, being the ages we are now, versus us 10 years ago, where none of us were really at the age where we all wanted to talk to eachother. Now we've kind of formulated who we are, and what our opinions on certain subjects are, and figured out how to talk to people.

Anyway, it was really nice being able to see David and Daniel and have a real conversation with them about things that we're all interested in now and feel included, instead of having all the subjects just go right over my head. I can actually contribute. And that's a pretty cool feeling.

The sun is bright!

Whoo boy am I sunburnt. Yesterday, Rachel and I went to the Statue of Liberty, and while waiting in line for the ferry for almost 2 hours I got really sunburnt. You can see the outline of my necklace and of my shirt. It's pretty ridiculous. Not so much painful yet, but I can tell it will be tomorrow. For some reason, my sunburns always seem to get the most painful and itchy three days after the initial burn. Ever noticed that?

Over spring break, I went to Israel on a community service trip through JNF (Jewish National Fund's Alternative Spring Break). All I had to do was raise $1050 and it was totally free (not including whatever airfare I had to pay for, but everything else was included.) So I raised the money, and got to go. Woo! Every day we did some community service, ranging from clearing out a park to painting a community. The third day that we were there, we went to a Vineyard to help clear out all the sticks and stuff to make sure that the vines had room to spread (or something, I'm not sure how it really worked). We got out there at 10am. I had put sunblock on before leaving the dorms that we were living in, but because we were in the desert sun, which is RIDICULOUS, I was sunburnt by the time we stopped for lunch at 1pm. My shirt didn't cover my whole back, so my neck and a half moon shape on my shirt was about the same color as a lobster. Or a tomato. Or whatever else is bright red. I put more sunblock on after lunch, but it didn't really matter. My shirt, which was a three quarter length sleeve shirt, had given me sunburn gloves (on both my hands and my arms) in addition to the ouch that was my back. Painful. My back still is two different colors from that sunburn. Awesome.

When I was 12, my summer camp took us to the beach every monday. One monday they sent the stupid counselor with us who forgot to remind us all to put sunscreen on. Granted, we should know to put sunblock on ourselves, but we're 12! You can't really expect US to remember that! I came home that day having a bikini sunburn all the way down my back and my legs. My parents were FURIOUS that they hadn't put sunblock on us, and my mom said that if I ever came home from the beach again looking like that I wasn't going to be allowed to go back. I thought that the sunburn itself was punishment enough, but I don't think I ever let myself get that bad again. Now I just limit it to my back and my arms. Ouch.


Wear sunscreen, kids. Sunburns hurt.

Dance Dance

My best friend Rachel was in NYC visiting her cousin the past couple of days, so yesterday she made time for us to hang out. We went gallivanting around the city hanging out and making jokes and just having a really great time. It was really awesome hanging out with her. We always have such a fun time together, laughing and making jokes and just being so natural with eachother...it's just great.

It was also great that I got to ditch out on work just to spend time with her, because I haven't seen her since probably January when I was home for winter break.

Two winter breaks ago, there was a rumor going around that there was snow falling somewhere in the vicinity of where we lived. That was just amazing to us, because snow NEVER falls near where we live. Ever. So, we got on our hats and gloves and sweatshirts and went driving around, trying to find the snow. We drove north, then east, then south, then west...but no snow was found. We drove around for probably about two hours, looking for snow, but never found it. So I called my mom, and she reported to me that the snow that was falling was about an hour away from where we were. Sad news for us. So, we drove back to Rachel's dorm and hung out there instead, where she put new music on my iPod that she thought I would like but didn't have because my computer doesn't hold much music on it.

Then, we broke out my camera.

We took a few pictures, then put a song on that our friend Jeremy wrote, and made a music video. Not a good music video, not even close to a decent music video, but a music video that has her staring at her computer the whole time except random times during lyrics that she points to me and kind of dances a little bit, while I'm singing all the words making funny faces at the camera. We're both randomly laughing and holding out notes too long or saying the wrong words and it's just hilarious.

I found that video before I left for NY and laughed at the ridiculousness of it, as well as another video that's just of me dancing over by the tv for a few seconds to another song that the same guy wrote.

A staple of Rachel's and mine when we hang out is dancing in a parking lot. The parking lot changes from time to time (usually it's the abandoned parking lot next to the college, or the parking structure near the college), but we always make sure that we dance. We put on old songs from our childhood, like Spice Girls or N*SYNC or BSB or whoever and we dance and sing at the top of our lungs with the car stereo blasting. Always a great time. We just let loose and dance. It's awesome.

If you haven't experienced dancing in a parking lot listening to old songs with a good friend or two, I suggest you try it ASAP. And then tell me about it.

Your Invisible Pixie

Why "Your Invisible Pixie"?

My senior year in high school, I had a friend named Dru. She had friends from outside of school, a girl she used to dance with (Allie) and a guy who I'm not quite sure how she met (Eric). One night, the four of us went out to a local pizza place that had karaoke every friday night. Somehow we got on the topic of people looking like animals. (Personally, I think that everyone somehow looks like a cat and/or a mouse. I'm not sure how that works exactly, but...whatever.) Allie decided to give all of us animals that we resembled. I don't remember what she told Dru and Eric they looked like, but she told me I looked like a pixie. I don't think a pixie is an animal, per se, but I took it because it was cute. I've remembered it for awhile.

I also think that I have a tendency to be invisible - I don't contribute to conversations very often in fear of sounding stupid. I also don't like to repeat something someone else says. When I'm in classes, I don't raise my hand unless I am absolutely 99.9% sure that I'm able to explain anything I say, or that it is something that hasn't been said that class yet. Even when I'm with friends, if they're all laughing and telling stories I tend to sit quietly and listen to what they say. If I'm one on one with someone I can have an actual conversation, but in large groups I get nervous and don't say much. So that's invisible.

And I could be yours. You never know. Eh.

Sort of a crap post for now, but my brain hurts. Too many hershey's kisses, not enough real food.

Finding love in all the wrong places...

I always have a crush on the wrong guy. The rabbi's son who was dating my then best friend. The camp counselor when I was a camper. My sixth grade science teacher. The advisor of my youth group. The director of my theatre group. A professor. A director of development at my internship.

And I make it worse for myself by becoming semi-blatantly obvious about. Can you be semi-blatantly obvious about something? I'm not sure. But I was. I'll go to the more recent ones since those might be a tad more interesting. (Plus I can remember more about them).

The Director of my theatre group and I had gotten quite chummy towards the end of my high school career. I was no longer in the theatre group, but I missed him a whole lot. Whether it was the friendship aspect or more is one thing I'm not sure about. In January of my senior year, my boyfriend (and best friend) had broken up with me. I was heartbroken and bitter, so I decided that for my creative writing class final, I would write a play about it. When I finally finished the play in April I felt much better about everything that had happened, and decided that I wanted to share my work with someone. I sent it to the Director and asked what he thought. That sparked the beginning of our really close friendship, where we began to talk about everything and completely opened up to each other, which inevitably led to me having a crush on him and him kind of liking me back. (Take note - I was 18 and he was 34.) He made dinner for me one night at his apartment and after that I was completely hooked. I spent all my time checking my email (our relationship was mainly maintained through email and IMs since I was still in school and couldn't talk on the phone during classes) through my phone. Over the summer it escalated into spending more time together, but it never got more physical than hand holding. This is mainly because I was an "innocent child" that he didn't feel right corrupting, then sending off to college. After I left for college the whole thing kind of fizzled out into the occasional email or IM conversation, then he abandoned talking to me completely.

The Professor was....wow. An ongoing "thing" for a very long time. I had the Professor my freshman year. I was smitten after the very first class when everything he talked about got me excited about learning...and the fact that he had a great ass. He looked to be about 23, not the 36 that he actually was (at the time...now he's 38), so I was unaware of his age until a few months later. One day during class, a friend of mine and I had decided to take a count of how many times he turned around to show us his ass, and at the first tally we both went to put it down on the same piece of paper at the same time and both dissolved into giggles almost immediately. We caused quite a stir (even though class hadn't started yet), so he kind of scolded us and tried to get us to tell what we were giggling out. Neither of us would tell (because how embarrassing would THAT be?) so he dropped it. The next week I found a comic that I thought pertained to what we were talking about in class which was mildly amusing, so I emailed it to him. The Professor emailed me back with "that's funny, but I don't think it's what had you laughing in class last week..." to which I replied "No. To be honest, what were laughing about during class is how I have a huge crush on you and I think you have the greatest butt ever. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable...Just thought I should tell you the truth." That's not even the slightest bit awkward, right?? My roommate came back from the bathroom after I had sent that email to me curled in a ball on my bed kind of shaking. Ha. Anyway, after that we had a lot of awkward emails sent back and forth during that semester, then we stopped. Then over the summer I emailed him again while I was drunk (there I go again with the alcohol!) and that got us started talking again. Then we exchanged phone numbers, and he took me to lunch when he was visiting near where I lived. A lot of emails and text messages and phone calls later, we had become friends, and I was very comfortable with having a pseudo relationship with this ridiculously intelligent (although occasionally arrogant) professor. My friends, however, were less than thrilled that I was talking to him in more than a teacher/student context. So eventually we stopped talking for awhile, but a few months later we began again. Then stopped. Then started. Then stopped. And so they cycle continues. Right now we're on a hiatus. Still nothing physical.

Now I have a crush on the director of development at the internship that I'm working at. 32, kind of reminds me of Buzz Lightyear (which I told him when he took all the interns out to get drinks the second week I was here). Apparently, that night (which I don't remember much of...yay alcohol) we were flirting pretty hardcore and he was reciprocating... What am I getting myself into now? Probably nothing. I'm just overanalyzing. But he just came to my building (there are two buildings for this company) and my stomach jumped into my mouth. My face probably turned bright red too. Awesome.

We'll see if anything happens. Probably not, but you never know, right?

Who am I?

When I was younger, I used to climb on things a lot. Monkey bars, large speakers at bar/bat mitzvahs/weddings/big parties, stairs, roofs, etc. I'm guessing that's how my first nickname came to be. My dad thus named me "Monkey". I also had a white stuffed monkey that I carried around with me a lot. So I guess that could have been a contributing factor.

My older brother and I attended the same elementary school at the same time (which later switched, with my younger brother and I attending at the same time). My older brother had a teacher who had the same name as the principal, which confused people a lot. I used to go to his classroom during recess (our class and his class had different recess times since I was in first grade and he was in fifth) and interrupt his class and tell his teacher on things that he had done at home. I guess I was a real riot, because when I had the same teacher for fifth grade a few years later, she used to regale the class with tales of what I had said. "Mrs. B! Do you know what my brother did last night?!?" I'd apparently say, wagging my butt from side to side like most children do when they tease. "He got in sooo much trouble!" I'd make his class laugh with all the things he did, while his face would turn red. When she'd tell us the stories of what I used to do, it would make MY face turn red, so I guess I got what was coming to me. Sort of. Anyway, because I hadn't really changed much in size since first grade (I was quite the shorty), Mrs. B would call me "Squirt". Then one day she decided to change my nickname to "Midget" (which was not as traumatizing as some nicknames for other children). One day she got confused about which name was mine for that day, so when I was called early to go home, she said "Hey Squirt! No...Midget! No...Squidget!" and from that day on in fifth grade, Squidget stuck. All of my friends called me Squidget from then on... or rather, until about seventh grade.

In seventh grade, I changed from being a camper at my summer camp to being an L.I.T. or a "Leader in Training". This was one step down from Counselor in Training which was a step down from Counselor. Well, when I started, my group decided that we wanted to have Camp Names, just like the CITs and Counselors! Of course, this theory was kind of pointless since everyone knew our names anyway, but we stuck by the idea and picked camp names. Most people chose names like "Sunshine" or "Cupcake" or "Curly", but I went with "Piglet". Piglet was my favorite character from Winnie the Pooh (still is!), so I decided Piglet would be a good choice for me. He was short and cute and pink and I thought, "Perfect! I'm short and cute and I have red hair, so we're virtually the same!" Sweet. So my nickname from seventh grade until my sophomore year was Piglet. I kind of regretted picking that name later, since it sort of associated me with being fat (which I'm not, really), but I dealt with it by sticking by my decision that Piglet and I are similar...in that we're short and cute and shades of red.

My sophomore year in high school a lot of my friends began taking Spanish, and decided to nickname me "Estar, the spanish verb meaning to be", which was then shortened to "Estar" or just "to be". Not much of a story there. Go Spanish.

My freshman year in college, our RA Kristie decided to give all of the girls on my floor nicknames by using the first letter of the name and adding and "o" to it, then doubling it (for instance, Paula was "Popo", Rachel was "Roro", etc). However, my name starts with an E, which makes it kind of difficult for it to follow the same model. So she was going to use the second letter of my name, S, but there was a girl with an S name a few doors down. What a pickle. So she decided to use "ThoTho" as my name. Which sounded like anyone who tried to say my name had a lisp. That nickname stuck for about five minutes. Sweet.

My sophomore year I was in with a new group of friends, who nicknamed me "Sta". We had been watching The Office and decided to give each other nicknames, and since "Big Tuna" was taken, I got Sta. A few weeks later, that same group of friends changed my nickname to Oyster. They thought it was clever because I'm Jewish (so, "Oy") and the rest of my name... (hence the "ster"). And that's who I've been ever since.

So much for a stable identity, eh?

Happy 4th of July!

So, in honor of the fourth of July, independence day, blah blah blah whatever, I thought it would be a fun idea to tell you what I did.

I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but I am currently in NYC. Spending my summer here, living the good life (aka couch-surfing and doing unpaid internships) doing almost anything I want to do. So. Today was a very fun-filled and exciting day for me.

Last night, I got my iPod back (finally! It had broken sometime last year and my dad finally sent it to be fixed and then sent it to my brother who gave it to me), so I spent all last night putting music on it for my adventure that I was planning today.

The plan: Hang out in central park. In one location. For a long time. Possibly people watching or writing or reading or something.

What actually happened: I left my (or the current host's) apartment around 4 pm. I had ended up staying awake until 6am putting music back on my ipod and reading SO@24's blog from the beginning (I like to know the entire story if I jump into a blog. Since he was the first person I friended on 20SB, I decided to read his entire blog first. Check him out. He's awesome at writing. And telling stories. However, this reading everything in entirety is a very long process. So...WHOA tangent.) so I didn't wake up until about 11, at which point I packed my stuff (new person's couch tomorrow!), showered, then decided I needed food so I headed out. Around 4pm. (I said that already.) I walked down the street, sporting my newly uploaded with music iPod and a blue shirt with my red hair and my white shoes. Yeah patriotism. Wandered into a Starbuck's, ordered my usual drink and a blueberry coffeecake, then sat down. According to the guy who made my drink, it was made "with love on this very lovely 4th of July, just for [me]." Awesome. Finished that up, then went to Central Park! The plan! Yes.

I ended up walking into Central Park at 4:30pm at 76th and Central Park West. Walked around for a bit until I found the reservoir, looked at it, wandered around a bit more, hung out by the tennis courts for about half an hour. By then I was getting hungry for actual food, so I decided that it was time to leave the park and go find something more nourishing than a chai tea latte and a blueberry coffeecake. Ha. That was about 5:15pm. I wandered around, looking for a way to get out, and eventually see a street. W. 100th St. and Central Park West. WHAT? I thought I had been walking SOUTH that whole time! Nope. I had been walking North. So I wandered around a bit more, hoping I was walking back the way I came, when I came to another street. Hurray, I can leave now! I check the sign. East 91st street. So now I've crossed over to the other side? Well shoot. I go back inside the park, decide to follow a path that looks like it goes west, then see another street. East 102nd St. So now I'm going North AND East, two directions I DON'T want to be going in. I go back inside the park, and see a map. Well, that's a map to the whole park, but there's no "YOU ARE HERE" to point out where I am! So I'm still just as lost. I eventually follow a path that leads me back over to the west side, when I just leave the park because I don't want to walk back to the east side again and follow the streets down. By the time I get out of the park, it's 7 o'clock.

I WAS LOST IN THE PARK FOR ALMOST TWO HOURS. Let me repeat that. TWO HOURS.

I went to Times Square to celebrate my liberation.
Bought a Magner's Irish Cider for myself. Mmm. Found out where some couple's hotel was for them (his phone died or something...I had google on my phone) and they bought me a drink. Bought another drink for myself. Closed my tab but didn't leave the bar yet because it was raining (and the fireworks were on TV! Duh.) Guy who was sitting next to me bought me a drink because I was sitting there drink-less.

Four drinks (and half a quesadilla? I think?) later, I am as happy as a clam. (Are clams happy? How does anyone know this? Are there studies? I want to see them.)

Also, some random guy on the subway asked me if he could teach me how to play tennis. Um. What?

Drink it up.

I like to drink.

Yes, that may seem like an obvious statement coming out of a 21 year olds mouth - or fingers as the case may be - but it's true. I enjoy drinking. Regardless of if it's wine, or malibu and pineapple juice, or Magner's Irish Cider, or kamikazees, or beer...I like it. However, that has caused some problems for me.

Fifteen days before my 20th birthday, I decided to stop drinking until I turned 21. The night before I decided to do that had been an excessively bad night where I had gotten blacked out drunk, banged my head eight times against eight different surfaces, told my friends I wanted to kill myself because I was so unhappy with the situation with my boyfriend Matt and my old roommate, ran into the street (it was late at night so luckily there were no cars coming), threw up multiple times, and passed out. Not such a good night.

The next day, Matt and I broke up. I resolved right then and there that the only way to figure out how to get my life back in order and take back control of the things I thought I could control was to stop drinking. So I gave it up. When I told my friends this, they thought I was crazy. Me, the nonstop party girl who always outdrank even the most capable of holding their liquor? I'd never be able to do it for a year! (My friends always show the greatest of confidence in me, huh?) (One of these days I'll write about how they actually do show confidence in me...)

But I had resolved to do it for me, just to prove to MYSELF that I was capable of doing something and following through. One week later, when I still hadn't had a drop of alcohol, I rewarded myself with a pint of ice cream. One month, a dinner at Olive Garden. Two months, a trip to a casino. Three months a play. Six months a dinner with all of my friends. I eventually made it to a year, without having even a taste of alcohol. A year was 16 days before my 21st birthday. I didn't do anything for the year anniversary of my giving up alcohol. I didn't feel it was as big of a deal as I had once built it up to be. I celebrated my 21st birthday in style, going to Vegas, having a mere four drinks on my birthday and declaring myself done. The next night I had one drink and decided that I didn't need to drink anymore, I had had enough the night before.

Recently I have found myself back in the same patterns as before I stopped drinking. Not as extreme, thank goodness, but taking one too many shot, or not eating enough before I start so everything hits me TWICE as hard.

And now that I'm visiting somewhere that I'm not used to, I shouldn't be exhibiting this kind of behavior. It's not like my college town, where everything is (seemingly) safe, people here are CRAZY! So, I'm resolving to drink less. Not stop drinking altogether, because I don't think that's necessary (nor do I want to give it up, I still like drinking!), but less. But hopefully socialize just as much.

Even though stumbling around and hitting on random strangers is quite fun.

Graduation

So I just got an email from my Bubby (that's "grandmother" in Yiddish) telling me that my brother's graduation was phenomenal. He went to a performing arts high school, so each of the different sections performed something (music school played music, dance school did a dance, visual arts showed some sort of...art, etc) (I'm also guessing that this is how it happened, since I wasn't there.) I was unable to attend said graduation, because I am in New York for the summer. Amazing opportunity, yet I was sad that I missed this big event in my brother's life.

My graduation was something that I couldn't wait to be done with. High school was definitely the worst time of my life so far, and I can say that with 97% certainty. (I don't remember a lot of my childhood...awful memory for some reason.) My high school years can be bundled up into a few words: no close friends, no encouragement, no interest. Graduation could not have come soon enough. Unfortunately, the last few days of school I became really good friends with a few people: Sam, Rebecca, Jose, and Jorge. We were all sitting near eachother in the graduation line because our last names were all close in lettering, so we had a chance to really bond during the 7 hour graduation rehearsal. It was during that time that I realized what I had been missing out on for so long. Easy friendship. Just by sitting together on those plastic white folding chairs that were ridiculously uncomfortable, we had things to talk about. We had conversations about our aspirations in life, who we wanted to be, where we were going to college...and what kind of senior prank we would have liked to have pulled (Our dumbass senior class decided that burning trashcans would be memorable. Losers.)

We all ended up going to grad nite together (I was the only one who had bought a ticket beforehand but once I told them I was going they decided to all go) and having an amazing time. We stayed up all night riding all the rides at Disneyland and going to the "clubs" and just laughing and having a great night. It was the perfect ending to my shitty four years of high school.

The group of us kept in touch for a little while, but eventually we split apart. Sam and Rebecca are dating (practically married! sort of), Jose is testing videogames for Disney and going to school to learn more about video programming, and Jorge...has a myspace, but I haven't talked to him in awhile. Thinking about them makes me want to send them a message and see how they all are. I just might do that.

It's crazy how you can find friends in the most random of places...a graduation lineup. Who'd have thought?

Congrats baby brother on your high school graduation...two weeks late.

Simplistic and Certain

I've recently gotten into Sudoku. I know, I know, I'm a little behind the times, but that's how I am. Anyway, I really like it. It's so...certain. It's the kind of thing where you can't have two right answers, only one number fits. I used to do word puzzles that were kind of like sudoku, where they give you the number of letters and you have to fit each word in so that all the words make other words. It was like a crossword puzzle but without all the clues. Anyway, I used to really like those. I'd buy books of them and sit and do them during rehearsal instead of doing my homework, or I'd do them on car trips.

Anyway, since I have a lot of free time at work, I've been doing sudoku on the google homepage. Keeps me busy. Simplicity and certainty. I guess that's what I like.

That's not what my life is like at all. It turns itself into a complicated and tangled mess because I don't really know how to keep things straight. And nothing I ever do is certain. I'm scared of almost everything. Kind of like Monk, but less neurotic. And not as good at solving mysteries with a side of comedy. And no murdered wife.

Anyway, that's me. That's who I am.
And that's ok.